Are We There Yet?

Sleep Associations

2012-02-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

Today, I made myself a PB & J (it was a bit over-zealous...there was pb and j everywhere, but I digress). It was delicious and filled me up just like I wanted it to, and then came the inevitable orange juice. Every time I eat a pb and j, I want orange juice. For some reason, they go together. For as long as I can remember it's been this way.

You notice how you have those associations? When I'm sick, I want my mom's homemade vegetable soup, without fail. When I have a nice steak, I crave a good, bold cab to go right along with it (that one's a more recent development, I assure you). And when I lay my head on a fluffy pillow and cover up with a sheet or blanket, I think sleep. I have some trouble sleeping else where without a good pillow and blanket unless I'm dead tired, and I know that about myself.

For my twins, a nap and the swing or bouncy chair and a binky go hand in hand. In order to nap, they need these things it appears. Sometimes, they'll fall asleep in our arms, but honestly, a lot of the time there's too much excitement in that and/or the looking around at new sights when in said arms.

Granted, there are the occasional sleepy car rides or stroller excursions but they need movement in order to fall asleep or stay asleep in these apparatus.

So, I need some help.

I've read five too many sleep and parenting books and now I'm just confused (ps, if you have multiples, please don't read the Dr. Sears "Baby Book"...I thought I had capped out my mommy-guilt capacity until I read this book. It took me two weeks to stop feeling like I was permanently damaging my babies by not holding them enough or carrying them enough or letting them cry too much cuz their sibling is being tended to). One thing I've surmised for certain is that we need to try and let go of the sleep associations of the swing or the bouncy chair.

Here's the caveat. I feel INCREDIBLY lucky in that our twins are pretty stellar sleepers past 11pm and I hate to mess with that...but before 11pm, it's tricky. Here's how things work (obviously this changes a bit from day to day, but it's usually something like this):

10am- first "awake" feed (I KNOW, wow am I lucky that I can do this right now since I'm not working...this is where one of my dilemma comes into play- read on)
10:45- play time
11:15- first nap (swing for Caleb, bouncy for Grace- sometimes with the vibration on- binkies in place, and replaced multiple times. Caleb usually will sit in the swing for about 15 minutes checking out the sights before getting really tired and falling asleep- I usually put them down for this nap when I first notice sleep cues like eye rubbing or sometimes a yawn)
12:00- first nap wake-up (try to put them back to sleep for the next hour, sometimes successfully, sometimes not)
1pm- second feed
1:45- play time
2:00- second nap (swing/bouncy as before, same 45 minute intruder usually)
4:00-third feed (usually B is there to help)
4:30- play time
5:30-7:00- This "nap" is hit or miss...sometimes its catnapping, sometimes it's fussing, sometimes there is a long nap here, oy
7:00- bath if it's bath night then pj's and bottle, or immediate pj's then bottle
7:30- quiet time, placed in bouncy/swing to fall asleep (this is a big problem time in our household. We usually will have screaming from about 8pm til 10pm or so, which is why we've resorted to the bouncy and swing at bedtime. When we've tried to swaddle them and put them in their cribs at this point, it's an epic fail meltdown).
11:00pm- dreamfeed then swaddle and placed in cribs without binkies- they usually wake up a bit, but go back to sleep fairly easily even when put in the crib awake
11pm-6am: I hear them waking up sporadically and sometimes fussing a bit, but they always put themselves back to sleep if I don't bother them
6am- middle of the night feed, re-swaddled and no binkies in cribs, usually put down awake

Then it starts all over.

So, you see, I get awesome sleep from about 11pm until about 6am, and then another great stretch until somewhere around 9 or 10am!

I hate messing with that, but we've got a couple problems.

1) Mommy is dying for a little down time at night without screaming babies...although we're working with Caleb having colic, so hopefully that will resolve soon and things will be totally different
2) They need to be able to sleep where there isn't a swing and vibrating bouncy chair (i.e. Nana's house)
3) They will be starting daycare at a center in about a month and a half, and I'm terrified that they won't sleep AT ALL during the day and then epic meltdowns will ensue. They need to be able to sleep in cribs, cuz that's what they'll have at daycare usually (there is a swing, but I'm sure Caleb won't be able to sleep in it all the time).
4) I can't for the life of me understand how this whole binky thing is supposed to work. I've banned binkies from nighttime because oh my gosh they spit them out every five minutes and then wake up because of it. I keep hearing of other babies who spit out their binkies when they are falling asleep. Ours spit them out, then wake up like "OMG WHERE IS THAT SUCKY THING I JUST HAD?!?!". WTF?

So, plan of action (now that everyone in the house is healthy, including me), is to try and get them in their cribs for naps...binky or no binky, I'm not sure. Swaddle or no swaddle, I'm not sure (although we're going to have to wean off of the swaddle too soon, which is also scaring the bejeebus out of me).

Help.

How do I transition them from the swing/bouncy in the well-lit living room with me to the crib in their nursery? Every time I've tried, they freak out. They drop their binkies a billion more times than they do in the living room and just can't fall asleep.

This was an incredibly long rambling post. I know, I apologize. I'm panicking. I don't want to mess with a good thing, but I also don't want to totally traumatize them when they go to daycare and have to go cold turkey on their beloved sleep associations. :( Poor little luckies.

Any advice would be awesome!!!

ETA: They used to sleep in play pins when they were newborns and then in their cribs for a while after that, but when the 45 minute intruder hit, I found that the swing and bouncer helped them have longer naps...so I started that, and now I can't break it. If I do happen to get them to fall asleep in their cribs during the day, it is never for more than 30-45 minutes and then screaming ensues and they can't fall back asleep, even with lots of rocking...or being placed in the swing. The nap is officially over. :(

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In (15 Wks PP)

2012-02-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

I'm BACK! I've been sick for the last week and a half and HATING it...so I jumped off the weigh-in bandwagon for a bit as I stuffed my face with comfort food and put a serious dent in my couch cushion. I'm cutting myself some slack on the past two weeks because of the death-like symptoms ;) but now that the snot has stopped spewing from my nose and my head isn't pounding nearly as much, I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things. It's hard enough to take care of twin infants when you're sick...I'm not gonna go asking myself to do that WHILE being a healthy human being. ;)
1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal:

Starting Weight: 205# (since 2-3wks pp)
Last Week's Weight: 208# (was approximately 200# at time of BFP, before the hyperemesis kicked in, was up to 250# by 35 weeks pregnant)
Current Weight: 207#

Goal Weight: 180# (normal would be 144-189)
Starting BMI: 27 (I'm 6'1" by the way)

Last Week's BMI: 27.4
Current BMI: 27.3
Goal BMI: 23.7 ("normal" is 18.5-24.9)

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals:
- Drink 16oz of water every time I pump
- Eat some form of protein four times per day, working up to eating protein with every snack and meal
- Walk 1 mile 3x per week, working up to jogging 2-3x per week using the Couch-to-5k program
- Limit to one "treat" per day!!

Progress on last week's activities/goals:
- You would think that I was hydrating more because I was sick, but you'd be wrong. My throat hurt and swallowing made it worse, so I wasn't so good about my water intake. I'm seeing it in my milk supply, too. Gotta get on that!!!
- I've been purchasing deli meat every week to nibble on instead of things like pretzels. I also was eating hard boiled eggs every day as a snack...but I ran out. Need to get on that, too. I'm cutting out my dairy for a bit, so that removes some of my protein rich go-tos, so I'll need to find some more. Peanut butter will be my friend.
- I finished week 2 of the C25k before I got sick, and haven't run since a week and a half ago. I'm going to try out the first day of week 3 this week and see if I need to back track a bit. Hopefully not.

- The "one treat per day" mantra has helped a little. I'm not following it so well right now, but I think I'll latch onto that mantra to help me now that I'm feeling better.

Activities for this coming week:
-Couch to 5k beginning Week 3
-Walk with the babies if not jogging

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.
So this is ABSOLUTELY against anything "weigh in" appropriate, it's actually the opposite...but I just needed to get this out there- "Smash" is the best.show.ever. I loved the pilot. Loved it. I can't wait for next week!

Also, have you ever noticed that watching "The Biggest Loser" motivates you to workout? It's doing wonders for me! Watch it.

Weekly Wednesay Weigh-In (EPIC FAIL)

2012-01-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

This is awesome. I super don't want to write this post today cuz it makes me mad...but honestly, I've got no one to blame but myself. SO here goes...

I've been holding steady at 205, about 5lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight, since about 2 or 3 weeks post-partum. Then, the first week I do the Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In and put it all out there for the interwebs to see...I go and gain 3 pounds! ha!

This is what happens when you don't actually DO what you say you're gonna do to try and change the lifestyle. :)

So, bag of potato chips, box of chocolate covered almonds, and jug of orange juice...you are NOT my friends anymore. You've been there for me, through all of the post-partum blues, all of the sleepless nights, and all of the "holy crap I haven't eaten in 10 hours and I have about 2 minutes before they start screaming" moments. I appreciate it, I do. But you've officially stalled my weight loss, and I've go about 25 pounds to go. So please, no offense, but back the F up.

Like how I blame shift there? Yeah. The almonds did it. Not me.

So let's get serious here. I don't wanna. I really, really don't wanna. I want to continue to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. And I want breastfeeding two children to make it all melt away like magic wizardry. Why won't that happen? ANSWER ME!

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal:

Starting Weight: 205#

Last Week's Weight: 205# (was approximately 200# at time of BFP, before the hyperemesis kicked in, was up to 250# by 35 weeks pregnant)

Current Weight: 208#

Goal Weight: 180# (normal would be 144-189)

Starting BMI: 27 (I'm 6'1" by the way)

Last Week's BMI: 27

Current BMI: 27.4 (curse you .4!!!)

Goal BMI: 23.7 ("normal" is 18.5-24.9)

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals:
I'm sticking with my previous goals, but adding one nutritional goal

- Drink 16oz of water everytime I pump
- Eat some form of protein four times per day, working up to eating protein with every snack and meal
- Walk 1 mile 3x per week, working up to jogging 2-3x per week using the Couch-to-5k program

- Limit to one "treat" per day!!!

Progress on last week's activities/goals:
- Currently I'm drinking a pretty good amount of water most days, but I'm not consistent by any means. I've cut back on the OJ which is good. I haven't been as good about drinking water this week as past weeks, though.

- My eating habits are horrific. Truly. I don't want to try and pull a 180 here or anything, cuz that's just gonna backfire. But I need to get my ass in gear and stop pretending like I'm "weigh-invincible". So while I'm going to try and get protein at most of my meals and snacks, I'm also going to try and limit to one treat per day rather than the one treat per hour of the past 13 weeks...yikes.
- This week I did a lot better on the running! I am now up to Week 2 of the C25k program, I did Day 2 today! I'm hoping that I can be consistent with this because it really makes a big difference in my mood. On Monday, I got out right after B came home from work so I could leave the babies with him and have a little me time. Today I went out with the babies right after their 1pm feeding when I knew they'd be sleepy and they passed out. It was also perfection because they stayed sleepy enough to chill out in the stroller so I could push them into the bathroom and take a shower while keeping an eye on them! I'm hoping to run on Mondays, Wednesdays, and then either Friday or Saturday if possible.

Activities for this coming week:
-Couch to 5k Week 2 and beginning Week 3 (oh MAN it's soooo much harder to run while pushing a double jogging stroller- I'm gonna be in wicked good shape if I can keep up with pushing them while I run)

-Walk with the babies if not jogging

On-going Life Style Goals:
- Drink 16oz of water everytime I pump

- Eat some form of protein four times per day, working up to eating protein with every snack and meal

- Walk 1 mile 3x per week, working up to jogging 2-3x per week using the Couch-to-5k program

-Limit to one treat per day

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

Ok, for my own benefit, here are some super quick protein enriched snacks that I need to start eating rather than the chips and candy I've been devouring (some of these I may have to avoid because I'm trying to cut back on dairy to help the littles...we'll see):

- Apple with peanut butter
- Grapes and string cheese (so delicious together!)
- Deli turkey wrapped cheddar
- Greek yogurt
- Greek yogurt and granola
- Oatmeal with raisins and almonds (and of course a bit of brown sugar, c'mon)
- Dried fruit and nuts (the Fruit Nut Medley from Costco is AMAZING)
- Pita chips and hummus
- Peanut butter and jelly toast on whole wheat bread

Three Months Old!

2012-01-22T22:04:00.000-08:00

My sweet, sweet Grace and Caleb:

You're three months old today and I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that you're not tiny newborns anymore! There's so much about the both of you that is still so new, so fragile. But there's so much more that has changed and shaped into these two big personalities, my babies!

Gracie Mae, my beautiful little girl. You, my love, have become such an easy going and curious little lady! You would spend hours just staring at all of the different sights around you if you didn't have to do that whole sleep/eat/poop thing that babies do. I find you staring at the ceiling fan, the curtains, the window, and the tv all the time- just exploring this big world around you. You're very contemplative, and you're content to sit and watch most of the time. You do have your fussy moments, but you know what you want and you're just trying to let us know what that is (and my love, it's almost always your best friend the BINKY!).

Today you are just barely fitting into three month clothes, finally! There are still some 0-3 month outfits that are big on you, but you're growing everyday (slowly but surely). You're in size 1 diapers and they're starting to fit you a little better nowadays. You're eating 3-4 ounces of breast milk at every feeding, and you're starting to space out your bottles a little more now, too!

You still have dark blue eyes, and I'm starting to wonder if you're going to keep them instead of being a brown eyed girl like I thought. They're so big and SO pretty, I could stare into them all day long.

You've got a bald spot on the back of your head from the countless times you look from left to right to left again...all of that curiosity and exploring at work! But you've still got a head of dark brown hair that almost has a redish tint in the light. It's not as full or thick as it used to be, but you've got the cutest little rat tail on the back of your head where it's kept growing!

You LOVE to be naked most of the time, I think you might be a bit uncomfortable in your clothes because baby girl, you've got some dry skin. I'm pretty sure you have eczema, just like your mommy! We are putting some cream on it to try and help, hopefully that starts making you feel a little less squirmy. You really love being in the water and we had your first full bath in the big bathtub with mommy just a few days ago! You kicked and splashed around almost the whole time and seemed to love it for a little while. When you started grunting it was time to get out, but man oh man did you scream when we pulled you out!

You have discovered your brother and you can't stop staring at him. He's a pretty interesting guy, but he hasn't quite figured you out yet, so usually you just stare at him while he continues to do whatever he's doing. There's a few things that will pull you away though, like the lion on your play mat! You will bat at that thing over and over to hear the jingle bell noise it makes. You've also started to try and grab the rings on your play mat, and you got them a couple of times, but not quite consistently yet.

You struggled with tummy time up until about a week ago, and now you're doing great at it (as long as you don't spit up...which usually happens after about three minutes on your tummy, poor little lady!). You'll check yourself out in the mirror and try to stare at your brother again. But your favorite thing right now is the bumbo chair because it gives you a great view to check out everything around you! Even the cat, who you've grown fond of recently!

Grace, I don't ever want to forget the way you open your eyes super wide whenever I make a funny sound or do something new. My favorite time of the day is when I get you out of your crib in the morning, the house is really quiet, and you look at me with the biggest smile on your face. You're still a little shy with your smiles, so when you decide to flash one at me, it absolutely melts my heart. I will do anything for a Grace smile.

I love you so much, baby girl. I dream of all the things that we'll do together when you're older. I stare at your tiny hands and your absolutely perfect feet and think about us getting pedicures together, or walking you to the bus stop holding your hand. I can't wait to see what next month brings, but I also never want you to grow out of this tiny baby phase. You're so little and so beautiful, I hope you know how in love with you I am and how my world revolves around your coos and gurgles.

My handsome Caleb, you've grown so much this month and your little personality is shining through more every day! You have the most infectious smile and I absolutely adore that you flash it when you hear my voice! You're a bit of a momma's boy and I couldn't be happier! I could snuggle you all day, and I love when you fall asleep on the bottle in my arms.

It seems like every day you get bigger and bigger. You're over 15 pounds now, probably closer to 16! You're wearing size 6 months clothes most of the time, and when we try to fit you into 3 month stuff, you look like a sausage! You love to eat and sometimes, even if I don't want to, you demand to be fed. You're a strong willed little man already, and you make sure to let us know when you've got something to say! You eat 5-7 ounces of breast milk every feed...and sometimes you'll down up to 9 ounces in one sitting! It's hard to keep up with you, but luckily I've been able to so far so you have enough to eat. I'm just hoping 9 is your max :)

You've really found your voice over the past few weeks and you'll spend all of play time chatting up your toys and squawking at me to pay attention to you, which I don't mind in the least! Your noises are so cute, I wish I could keep them filling the house forever...but I know these noises will change and grow into even better sounds of laughter soon, and I can't wait! You look like you're on the verge of laughing all the time, but you haven't gotten one out yet. I'm on the edge of my seat in anticipation, though!

You were rocking out tummy time for a while there, and you were actually pushing up a little bit. Recently it seems you've had a little more trouble, I think because you're growing so fast and it's hard for your little muscles to keep up! But you've taken on a new fondness for playing on your mat on your back! You'll swat at the toys hanging above you, and you've developed really good aim! You'll bat the lion and the elephant over and over again. I can see you thinking about grabbing the rings, and every once in a while, you'll try. You haven't been able to do it yet, but you're getting close! You usually play with your arms locked straight out, so it makes it hard for you to really grab...but you're starting to bend and open your fists a bit,so I think it's coming soon!

You also rolled over from tummy to back for the first time a few days ago, and unfortunately I missed it...but Daddy saw! I can't wait for you to do it again, can you make sure I'm there next time?

My love, you've got your fussy times and the doctor said you might have colic. The night times are a little rough for you sometimes and all you want is to be held and walked around (facing outward) so you can check out what's going on around you. You love the movement, and I wish I knew what was making you so sad. But sometimes you're super happy at night and loving to play and smile at me. Hopefully we'll see more good nights come in the next month! For now, we'll keep walking you around or putting you in your swing (you LOVE napping in your swing!) to make you feel better. You're also still fighting an eye infection and we've had to give you antibiotics in your bottles twice a day this past week, and you've been on two rounds of antibiotic eye meds (we had to put ointment in your eye for a week, then drops for a week- poor guy, I'm so sorry!). It's getting better, but you'll wake up crying and scratching at your eye...so we have to keep your little hands in mittens so you don't actually scratch it. We're trying to make you feel better, and hopefully it will go away soon so you don't have to be uncomfortable, little man! I hate seeing you sad!

Caleb, I never want to forget the adorable little squeaks you make when you're sleepily eating in my arms. You gobble down your food and have to stop to take a rest. Each breath you take comes out with a tiny little squeak and it is the cutest thing in the world. I also don't want to forget how funny you look when you're focusing on pooping! It gets me to laugh every time, even if you ruin every outfit we've bought for you! You squint, and arch your back and then make the cutest little noises...I'm going to remind you of this when you're older and probably 250 pounds of muscle!

Baby boy, I can't tell you enough how much I love you. You have completely changed me and I look forward to every Caleb smile and every squawk! I feel so lucky to have you and to be able to soothe you when you're sad or uncomfortable. I hope you know how much you mean to me and I can't wait for what next month will bring. Maybe don't grow quite so fast though, because I need to hold onto your snuggles for as long as possible! They make my world go around.

My babies, my luckies. This has been an absolutely amazing three months learning your personalities, your cries, your noises; making you smile and trying to get you to laugh! Thank you for filling my heart with such love and such indescribable joy. Oh, and thank you for deciding to sleep 6 hours in a row last night, you made my day! :)

I love you, Grace and Caleb, with all of my heart!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In: 12 Weeks Post-Partum

2012-01-18T20:28:00.000-08:00

I'm joining in (way late) on Josey's Wednesday Weekly Weigh-Ins because, wow, I need to. Mainly 1) I'm super unmotivated to do anything healthy for myself cuz I'm putting basically all of me into these babies and 2) ugh, I can't fit into ANYTHING right now. I mean, nothing. My maternity stuff fits wrong, my normal clothes fit wrong. I'm not that far from my pre-pregnancy weight or size, but I'm just a bit off...plus, I wasn't where I needed to be pre-pregnancy anyway. I had IVF weight to boot, and some post-miscarriage weight as well...when I wasn't up for anything remotely healthy either.

So here I go- I haven't taken any pictures of myself since the night the babies were born, so I'll try to remember to do that next week...even though I really, really don't want to. Ugh. But it's important that I stop living in denial, put down the sour candies and potato chips, and get my ass in gear. Not just for me, but for my little family as well. They need me to be happy and healthy!

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal:

Starting Weight: 205# today mid-day (I'll try to take a morning weight next week- but I have to eat and drink a ton overnight anyway- more on that in my next post on my pumping-lifestyle!)

Last Week's Weight: 205# (was approximately 200# at time of BFP, before the hyperemesis kicked in, was up to 250# by 35 weeks pregnant)

Current Weight: 205#
Goal Weight: 180# (normal would be 144-189)

Starting BMI: 27

Last Week's BMI: 27

Current BMI: 27

Goal BMI: 23.7 ("normal" is 18.5-24.9)

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals:

I'm going to go with some of Josey's great recommendations here-

- Drink 16oz of water everytime I pump

- Eat some form of protein four times per day, working up to eating protein with every snack and meal

- Walk 1 mile 3x per week, working up to jogging 2-3x per week using the Couch-to-5k program

Progress on last week's activities/goals:

- Currently I'm drinking a pretty good amount of water most days, but I'm not consistent by any means. I'm often drinking a lot of orange juice, which I need to cut back on.

- My eating habits have tanked severely and I need to get them back in line asap. I know myself, and jumping in feet first never produces good results- so I'm going to work gradually at this by upping my protein intake before starting to cut any of the bad stuff out. I know I need more protein, and being conscious of this helps me eat better anyway.

- This week I've only walked .5 miles once, but I was carrying Caleb in a carrier, so that's gotta count for something. ;) I need to commit to taking the babies out at least twice per week and if I can't get three times, then I need to get out once on my own when B gets home from work! So far I've done the C25k three times total...still working on "Week 1". By the middle of next week I'd like to have done two more rounds and be starting on Week 2.

Activities for this coming week:

-Couch to 5k Week 1
-Walk with the babies if not jogging

On-going Life Style Goals:

- Drink 16oz of water everytime I pump
- Eat some form of protein four times per day, working up to eating protein with every snack and meal
- Walk 1 mile 3x per week, working up to jogging 2-3x per week using the Couch-to-5k program

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

Couch to 5k Running Program is totally the only way I started running and was able to get to running a half marathon. I started small so I would avoid any injuries or burn out and it absolutely worked. It built in me a love for running which I NEVER thought I'd have. Download the C25k podcasts to help yourself out during the runs, it's a life saver. I hate having to watch a clock or count mileage during a run. After just a few months, you'll be looking for 5k's to race in like I did- amazing!

12 Weeks Old- wow!

2012-01-14T22:30:00.000-08:00

I mean, I can't believe they're almost three months!

I really need to get to bed but I wanted to commemorate the 12 week mark. We're having a rough go around here right now. Caleb has a staff infection in his eye that's gotten worse. B is coming down with something, I think the flu, so he isn't able to help with feedings- brutal to do this alone by the way. And little Gracie seems to be having some worse-than-usual tummy trouble (i hope hope hope she's not getting sick).

But they're also smiling a lot more. And swatting at their toys more. And I can see that they really really want to grab things, but they can't yet and they get frustrated and it's totally cute.

The cooing is pretty stellar, too. :)

Here are some pics of the last week:

Look at that sore eye :(

Ps- Had my first cycle since I got knocked up at the doctor's office. Not cool- I thought I'd get a little more time since I'm still exclusively pumping- no go. But it's awesome that I'm still able to exclusively pump, even with my ginormous son eating 8 or 9 ounces in a feeding from time to time. Yikes. He's already almost 15lbs! Not even three months old!

Pss- Pumping sucks. As soon as I finally get the babies down I have to hook up to a machine for 20 minutes- which doesn't really feel as relaxing as it may seem! :(

Psss- I'm so tired. I really appreciate the helpful tips on my last post about the soothing techniques- we're using the 5 s's a lot- but not always. It helps calm them down, but won't get them to sleep. I make sure to put them down between every feeding when I notice their sleep cues- I'm not sure if I'm trying to get them to sleep too much or if I'm too late....but they have the hardest time staying asleep (and sometimes falling asleep). They're addicted to their binkies now which sucks cuz they spit them out every 4 minutes...ugh. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And they WON'T go to bed (and stay asleep) before 10pm. They totally fight it and I'm not ready to do CIO or anything yet so it's been a bit of a mess. We don't have a great bed time routine, maybe that's the problem. But they don't like baths, so I can't use that. What else can I do? And should I do it at the time they're actually going to sleep, or when I want them to go to sleep?

Psssssss- I'm so totally in love with these tiny little creatures! I can't stand how blessed we are, and how lucky I feel. I keep remembering back when we weren't sure we'd ever get here. When I get super tired of pumping or really overwhelmed, I think of Petri- of our journey. And I think of those of you who are still in it. It's not fair- none of it, really. The guilt I feel for being overwhelmed, the fact that it was so hard to get here- which contributes to these difficult feelings I have now...and the face that it happened for us but hasn't happened for so many wonderful men and women who have helped me so much through this. It's like I don't feel worthy... I guess I'm just a mess.

11 Weeks!

2012-01-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

Well we've had quite the busy week since New Year's! The littles are growing everyday- especially Mr. Caleb and his hugeness. We unfortunately had to take him to urgent care today because his eye is infected :( and it turns out he's about 14lbs already! Remember when he was 5lbs???

I'll be taking both of them into the pediatrician on Monday for a follow up for Caleb- so we'll probably get to weigh Grace then too. She's not eating much- sometimes only 20 ounces in a day. So I of course get worried when I see the difference between the two of them. I know, I know- I shouldn't compare. But how hard is that?!

We had a wonderfully relaxing New Years- went to Oregano's and the babies did pretty well. We had to feed Caleb there cuz he got hungry and fussy, but it wasn't a big deal. Grace slept the whole time.

They have for sure settled into their witching hours of about 7pm-10pm every night which is rough. Sometimes they will catnap during that time and only fuss when they're awake. Other times they will fuss (or scream on a bad night) the whole time. It's awful. We've found that Caleb needs to be walked around in our arms or a carrier to calm down. Grace needs her binky. Immediately. Did you hear me?!?!? IMMEDIATELY! ;)

We've moved to only napping out in the living room during the day. They totally resist naps in their cribs for some reason. But they sleep in them perfectly at night- weird. They are waking up about every four hours at night which is much better than every three! They've gone a couple five hour stretches, too!

Tummy time has also taken a wonderful turn for the better. They don't hate it anymore. Caleb totally holds his head up- Grace is a bit lazy/weak with it still. But it's so much better than before.

See the eye swelling?? :( It looks worse in person, too.

Grace rocking out tummy time

Who's that pretty girl? It's ME!

Sleeping in the living room- love this photo

The swing is a good nap inducer

Mommy's new jogging stroller!

2011 in posts and photos!

2011-12-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

Double digits TOMORROW! Our little luckies will hit 10 weeks tomorrow, and it's unreal. I remember when we were about to hit double digits in our pregnancy... I was feeling so uneasy, still incredibly worried, but starting to get to that place where it may actually come true- that dream we'd had for so long. I was deep into my hyperemesis, hardly able to stand up, on IV fluids, my blood pressure dropping to dangerous lows. I was thinking of how grateful I was to have B to take care of the three of us...I still am so incredibly grateful. And I was focusing on that image of little Caleb, baby B back then, waving his tiny nub of an arm on the ultrasound screen to get me through. It's so crazy to think that that tiny being is now my big bubba, my handsome man.

So here's a look back at 2011 and the rollercoaster of a ride that got us to the most amazing place we've ever been.

We ended 2010 with a new normal after our devastating loss in September. I was ready to start moving on, ready to try again. We had planned for another IVF in February and were looking forward to getting away one more time before it to Disneyland and Vegas (which was glorious). I wasn't running, I was up 20lbs, and I was accepting where we were. Work was brutal, per usual, and my heart longed for what we lost.

January saw some unfortunate health testing- a lot of cortisol tests that weren't great and a glucose test that showed I might be pre-diabetic. We've learned now to ignore that doctor...he's always causing trouble. Might not be the healthiest of mind sets, but I'm much better when I'm not seeing him and getting all mixed up in the throws of "what else could be wrong with me". We were revving up for our second shot at IVF in February.

February- oh my lovely February. I can't believe how different, and better, it was from round 1 (except for the fluid in my uterus...that was the same drama of course).

March was even better, obviously, because that's when we transferred our two beautiful embryos, found out that, yes, we were pregnant, and yes, it was looking better than the last time, and whoa...it's twins (my favorite blog post, ever)!!!

April was a month of ups and downs- as we saw two heartbeats for the first time, but we also saw hyperemesis begin and a leave from work as well. My 28th birthday marked my last day in the office...after that I truly couldn't stand up without needing to dry heave. My parents brought over a huge basket full of home remedies for nausea for my birthday present, if that tells you anything! :) We also had a pretty scary bleeding episode in April...a feeling I never wish on anyone.

May was also rough in the hyperemesis department, and it was first time coming clean on this blog to talk about what was really going on in my head. I wasn't in a good place- I was miserable and it was hard for me to talk about being miserable when I had finally broken free of the IF merry-go-round (at least the TTC part). We hit 12 weeks and I started to think about this pregnancy actually sticking around for the long haul which was so miraculous to me, so amazing. Yet, I was still so miserable in my failing body.

June, we found out that we were having a Boy and a Girl!!! Our little lady and big bubba felt so much more real at that point, and we started to actually buy baby things (eek!). I started back to work in June as my sick little tummy was doing a little better everyday.

B felt the babies kick for the first time in July, and it was the sweetest thing. I started nesting in July and made a wicked to-do list that was the only way we were even remotely ready for these babies to arrive (looking back...we still had a LOT to do that we weren't aware of then, haha). We started meeting with pediatricians and daycares (which I still am not 100% ok with at this point, ugh. That's a whole other blog post yet again!) Oh, and I started rocking the preggo bikini in July, too! nice.

Oh August- August brought us viability at 24 weeks and a completely different feeling about the pregnancy. It was like a huge weigh had been lifted. My Mom, sister-in-law, and best friend threw me the most amazing and unreal baby shower you've ever seen (go check out the photos if you haven't yet- wow). And we went on our babiesmoon (so, so, so glad we did this- if you're considering doing it...make sure you do!)

We started setting up the nursery in September...what a difference a year can make! I started working from home quite a bit, which was awesome because mama was getting large and in charge by that point!! I was getting lots of braxton hicks contractions, but everything was looking good for our 11/2/11 c-section date. Oh, and this post has an awesome picture of my enormously swelling ankles- something I DO NOT miss about carrying my two beautiful little ones around :)

And then there was October. Oh glorious, glorious October. I started the month thinking "just one more month and then our November babies will be here!" I ended the month with two tiny, precious children in my arms.

By 33 weeks, I was about done feeling so huge. I started getting a lot more uncomfortable and was tired of needing help to get off the couch. :) I also started itching really, really bad. I didn't know what it was about, but my doctor ordered some blood tests and by 34 weeks I was diagnosed with cholestasis and taking medication to get it in check. Right after our two year wedding anniversary, we were moved to 10/26 rather than 11/2 for a c-section, but our luckies couldn't even wait that long. They wanted to share a birthday with their Papa- and on 10/22/11, at 2:56 and 2:57am, our miracles were born feet first (their birth story and pics!)!

November was a month of firsts! Grace and Caleb had their first month-birthday. B turned the big 3-0 the day after the baby's first Thanksgiving! My parents came over and brought us turkey dinner which was totally awesome. We got our newborn photos back from the beginning of the month (10 days old) and love them! They started growing really well in November, which is good because I was struggling with some baby-blue guilt over delivering them early (although 35 weeks with twins is great, but hormones will do that to you). I also lost about 50 pounds by the beginning of the month...but most of it was baby and water weight. haha

December has been intense! Caleb is now ginormous, above average for a full term two month old at 12lbs. Grace is watching her girlish figure and coming in on the low end for two month olds, but so tiny and cute at 9lbs 9oz! Mr. Caleb had to go to the hospital with an RSV scare, but his lungs have been great- he just can't seem to get those tiny sinuses to grow! Oh, and the babies decided to smile and hold hands this month- love. We had a visit from B's mom and then B's little sister this month- so glad they got to see the babies! His little brother is coming next week. Christmas was phenomenal, I'll post some pics below. We woke up and did Christmas morning as a family of four, and then went to my parents house to do Christmas with our family. Traveling even the 45 minutes for an afternoon away from the house is stressful- having to pack milk, bottles, bouncy seats because Caleb wasn't sleeping flat yet...it's all a bit much. Luckily they seem to be good at not crying when we're with the family...but they completely freak out for about three days afterward. Awesome. haha

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year...and I hope beyond hope that those of you who are still awaiting your miracles find them in 2012.

2011 in photos:

B sent these balloons to my desk at work for Valentine's Day!

Can you believe that the babies in the nursery right now were these earlier this year?

Our first glimpse at the babies in my belly! The famous owl shot :)

I went a little pee stick happy

Growing

Growing (and looking at eachother)

Grace

Caleb

Growing

and more growing...

Grace

Caleb

Preggo Bikini!

Babiesmoooooon!

The beginnings of the nursery

Caleb

Grace

He's already grown out of all the newborn and most of the 0-3months stuff...she's still fitting in most of the newborn stuff!

The cankles!

Grace (they thought this was Caleb at the time...)

Caleb (they thought this was Grace at the time...)

Last belly shot in the bathroom before they arrived!

Real last belly shot

From inside to outside in a matter of minutes!

Instant buddies

Grace is always kissing his nose :)

Look how tiny!

First picture at home! 10/26

Halloween

10 days old

Love those outfits!

Grandma came from Indiana!

B turns 30!

First Thanksgiving

First football season!:)

First smiles

Half smile :)

Grace yawn!

heart.melting.

Uncle B's birthday!

Grace face!

Christmas morning!

Wearing mommy's antlers!

Loving tummy time on her new play mat!

Not really loving tummy time on the new mat...

Mommy's Christmas present from Daddy!!! A new jogging stroller :)

At Uncle B's birthday

Two Months

2011-12-22T22:01:00.000-08:00

Has it really been two months?

My adorable Grace and Caleb,

This past month brought a tremendous amount of growing, and some more peeks into your unique personalities. This has truly been such an amazing month, of course full of some ups and downs, but really such a special time. Watching you grow and change is incredibly bitter sweet for me- I want you to stay small forever, but I can't wait to see what you do next!

This month brought us our first smiles...and they melt my heart every time. We also had a hospital visit, our first trip to Nana and Papa's house, Daddy's 30th birthday, Thanksgiving, and your first time sleeping through the night!

Phew, a lot has happened in one short month!

Gracie Mae- my sweet little princess. Somehow, you've become our tiny little baby. I love that you're staying little, but honestly you're growing right on track! I can't wait to see how much you weigh at your two month check up tomorrow, but you were over 8lbs the last time we went to the doctor (to check up why you were throwing up so much and having some not so fun tummy problems). You seem to be healthy, just with some serious gas and the possibility of a little reflux. We're learning the best ways to make you feel better, but I'm going to talk to the doctor tomorrow about some other tricks- like trying some formula to see if maybe you have an allergy to the breast milk you've been getting. We'll see, I'm not too keen on taking you off the breast milk if I don't have to...but I want whatever is best for you my love.

You absolutely have such a unique and beautiful personality shining through. We've learned that you, my dear, are our pensive little lady. You'll spend long periods of time just staring off into the distance, looking at a window, the curtains, your toy, or just the ceiling in you nursery. You can be incredibly content lying in your crib alone sometimes- and it makes me nervous like I need to be with you every time you're awake. But I'm proud that you can entertain yourself...just know that a lot of the time you're "lying alone" in your crib, I'm hiding in the doorway watching you, checking on you, amazed at your curiosity and calmness.

You're a little shy with your smiles, I think you might be still getting the hang of them...or you just simply reserve them for the most special of moments. All of which is fine with me! When you do decide to give us a Gracie smile, it lights up the room...and my entire world.

One of my favorite new discoveries is how similar you are to your Daddy when I have to wake you up to feed you. It's adorable- you groan and squirm and squint...all the while giving me the cutest pouty face. You'll see what I'm talking about with the similarity to your Daddy when you get older (read Christmas morning one year when you wake up way too early and try to get your Daddy out of bed...)!

You aren't spending as much time lying on your Dad's chest as you used to, but you still seem to find a lot of comfort there. You don't love the little animals on your bouncy chair as much anymore either. You seem to like a little dalmation rattle that we had hanging on your crib for a while. Mainly you like falling asleep in our arms.

You're still a light eater, especially compared to your brother. You eat about 3 oz at each feeding on average...and you've taken to sleeping through a lot of them lately. You are a late riser and you HATE going to bed early- so we get a lot of good Gracie time in the late evenings (but sometimes that's also your incredibly fussy time...and you will cry and cry until we decide to feed you only two hours after your last meal).

Your hair is getting longer, and you're starting to like your baths more and more (although you really dislike when I have to pull you out and dry you off- you don't much like getting chilly). We've taken a lot of outings this past month, going shopping or walking and you do great every time! You're wearing 0-3 month clothes...but honestly they're usually pretty big on you. You could still wear newborn clothes, but sometimes they're a little too short. The size 1 diapers that you're in are way too big, too...but it's hard to have you and your brother in different sizes right now- you're both growing so fast and so differently!

Grace, I'm so amazed by you already and I can't tell you how much you've consumed my world. I could spend hours staring at you, stroking your hair, rubbing your cheek, and examining every tiny fingernail. I love you, baby girl!

Mr. Caleb- my big man! You've taken off this month, honestly! You no longer have me worried about, really, much of anything. You're smiling all the time, you're very alert, and boy, you're CHUBBY! I love it- you've got such a cute big belly and your arms and legs have taken on some stellar baby fat rolls. And have I mentioned your chubby cheeks? They're to die for. I could eat them up.

Your glowing smile is the thing of dreams. It almost hurts how cute you are, buddy. I wish I could say that you're all smiles all the time, and I think you would be if it were up to you...unfortunately you are still struggling with a whole lot of congestion and your little nose doesn't handle it too well. You have a lot of trouble breathing sometimes and you, understandably, get pretty mad about it. But to see you go from super mad, struggling to eat or take a good breath, to all smiles and loving clapping your hands together with mommy- it's so amazing that you've got such a spirit! I love it.

I've questioned more than once whether we're feeding you too much- but you just can't get enough sometimes. You'll cut yourself off sometimes though, so I know you will if you're really full (you're just not full very often!!). You are eating exclusively breast milk still and it's going pretty well obviously. You usually eat around 4 ounces right now, but you've gone through growth spurts where you were eating 5-6 oz per feeding...and sometimes you'll take down 7 or 8 ounces if we'll let you! I'm really curious to see how much you weigh tomorrow- Nana thinks you're gonna be 14 pounds. I'm guessing more along the lines of 12lbs. We'll see!

You're wearing 3 month clothes pretty much now- the 0-3months are sometimes a little too short for you and cramp your cute little toes. I see us moving to the 3-6month clothes for a very short time though with how fast you're growing! The size 1 diapers are getting too small somehow! How are you doing this, little man???

You've discovered the toys on your bouncy chair and they make you much happier than they used to. You hate tummy time and I give in and don't make you do it enough...I really need to work on that! I just hate to hear you cry.

My Caleb, I can't get enough of staring at your handsome face and your beautiful eyes. Your hair is growing back and it's so cute and fuzzy- I just love rubbing your head and kissing those big chunky cheeks! You're my momma's boy and I love every minute of it!

Luckies- I honestly can't believe it's been two months- and yet I feel like you've been a part of our family for so much longer. We've dreamed about you and prayed for you for so long...I'm cherishing every moment having you here in my arms, even if it gets a little stressful and hectic juggling both of you at once. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you!

Twin Love

2011-12-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

So our little ones don't really notice each other too much. For the most part they seem oblivious to their sibling...except for those few small occasions that make me realize that these kids have been together their entire lives.

The other night, B ended up holding both babies at once so I could wash bottles or pump or something when they were both fussy. We don't hold both of them at once very often. They both got super drowsy on him so I took a few quick photos because they're just so cute with Daddy. I sat down next to the three of them, thinking about how everything that matters was right there beside me. I looked over and noticed that Caleb and Grace had joined hands. I thought it was the most adorable fluke, so I grabbed a quick photo. Then Caleb started fussing and threw his hands up, which made Grace move her hands away as well. About 10 seconds later, Caleb put his hand back in between them, in a different spot than where it was before, and Grace moved her hand to his. They clasped hands again. They laid like that for a little bit until Caleb got fussy again and that was that.

It was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. I will forever cherish those 10 minutes.

Plenty of other updates. They are over 8 weeks old now, they have their two month appointment this week! We've had a few nights of four hour stretches, but not many. Still on the three hour schedule. They struggle to sleep sometimes during the day- lots of yawning, but refusing to fall asleep in their nursery. I can't hold them both/rock them both to sleep, so that makes it tough. They do a really good job most nights of going right back to sleep after they've been fed between 9pm and 7am. Sometimes they have a little trouble falling asleep after the 9pm feed, and a lot of the time they have trouble waking up for the first morning feeding (somewhere between 7-9am). They have their nights shifted...so they like to stay up late and sleep in.

Playing has been interesting. They don't really like tummy time, they get really irritated about being on their play mat while I'm feeding the other one, they don't always like the bouncy chair...I'm at a loss for what to do with them while I'm feeding the other one. Does anyone have any ideas? I'd like them to stay awake for about an hour at a time during the day if I can (unless they aren't seeming sleepy after an hour or they are showing signs of sleepiness sooner than an hour- I watch for their cues- yawning, slow blinking). Any advice would be awesome!

I'll leave you with some more photos, of course.

My view on our walks!

Catching Caleb in a loving stare down with the hippo...

Grace, mid-undress for a bath

Gracie in her special Uncle B birthday outfit!

Nana feeding Caleb

Quick Catch Up- and sick babies :(

2011-12-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

Home alone with the babies...and I need to get used to this new norm. It's been SOO nice to have B home most days and/or help from my mom, B's family, my Dad...anyone we could get over here. I've done plenty of feedings by myself (not nearly as many as I've done with B though- he's the BEST), but it's still difficult. I just hate when one wakes up and starts crying while I'm still feeding the other.

But today is a little worse than usual because we've got some poor little sick babies on our hands. I'm taking them both to the doctor again this afternoon at 4:00. Caleb still hasn't gotten over whatever it is that he has and it was a really rough morning trying to get him to eat when he can't breathe. He just keeps pulling away from the bottle to spit milk out so he can breathe out of his mouth. And he's not so great at breathing out of his mouth yet (he's only 7 weeks!)...so he snorts and growls and struggles the whole time. I feel awful for him. I suction him, I saline him...I don't know what else to do over here. My mom ended up having a sinus infection and got antibiotics which cleared it up right away- so I'm gonna bring that up today and see if maybe this is more than a virus.

And then poor little baby Gracie. She started having really runny/watery stools a couple of days ago, and I hoped it was just something I ate. But she's still having them and she's throwing up more now (not spit up, projectile vomiting). So I'm taking her in as well to make sure that it's not anything serious and check to see if she's dehydrated because she's sleeping through a lot of feedings and pulling away from the bottle really early (after about an ounce usually...we can get her to take more, but it takes a whole lot of coaxing).

Any thoughts on what might be going on in our house right now? I just want them to be better!!! When they are distracted and feeling a little ok, they both give me smiles ... I just want them to be feeling that way all the time.

Here's a couple more pics I just took of my sleeping beauties. PS- Caleb is a friggin BEAST! He's huge now! He makes Gracie look so small...He eats about 35 ounces in 24 hours, and that's with me sometimes cutting him off when he's acting like he's still a bit hungry. I just don't want him to get sick and throw up cuz he overeats. Should I just keep feeding him even if he's already downed 6 or 7 ounces in one sitting? Seems like a bit much for a 7 week old. Thoughts?

Gracie Mae, dreaming a happy dream

Caleb's chubby cheeks!

Had to cover her hands, she started clawing at her face...

Love his froggy pajamas

And of course, bath time!

Caleb- mommy's little monkey

Swoon!

2011-12-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

I mean, just...swoon!

Caleb huge-grinning at Daddy's "Clappy Clap Clap" song!

Grace sorta-smiling at Mommy's version of the "Clappy clap clap" song... :) (She smiled a little more than this...but Daddy wasn't so hot with the camera this time...I think he didn't want proof that Gracie smiles at me!!) haha

Oh the smiles are starting. They'd been sorta-smiling for a few days, but it wasn't a "that's for sure a smile cuz they're happy rather than gassy" smile until two days ago. Love! Caleb has this great big open mouth gummy smile that makes me melt in an instant. Grace has this subtle "I'm so cute even when I'm not smiling so this is what you get" smile that induces equal melting. Love.

Today we are going to get the twins' hip ultrasounds (breech babies apparently need hip ultrasounds to make sure that all is ok). I'm nervous. Caleb HATES being held down. Grace doesn't have much experience with it yet. This should be interesting.

Caleb has taken a bit of a turn for the worse recently. He's still not wheezing or anything like that, but his nose seems to be worse and he's not eating well now because he can't breathe and would you want to suck down a bottle of anything while holding your breath? No. Me neither. Poor baby. Poor poor baby. I wish I could fix it for him.

Grace is still half-heartedly coughing, which pleases me that she hasn't gone full-blown coughing or anything. I hope she fights it off for good. C'mon Gracie, keep fightin!

B's sister is in town from Indy and she's been SO helpful so far. She cooked dinner and dessert for us last night, washed all of the bottles, and she feeds Grace as well. Caleb obviously is a bit high maintenance with the eating right now, so I don't want to throw that at her.

We got our new refrigerator installed yesterday! It's pretty and spacious and doesn't stop working all of a sudden and freak me out about my stash of breastmilk going bad. I love new fridge.

I had two glasses of wine last night and sat worrying about B going back to work. I contemplated finishing off the bottle, but remembered that I'd have to pump and dump. Boo.

The counseling session was a big fat waste of my time. Our time. B had to take an afternoon feeding alone because of that session. This counselor would.not.shutup. It was so incredibly bizarre. I actually had to CUT HER OFF to talk about my own damn feelings. So weird. I had things I wanted to share, things I needed to get off my chest- have someone listen to, validate, whatever. She asked me I think a total of four questions in the 45 minute session. I think she needed a glass of water afterward she was talking so much. She told me all about her own kids, told me that I was going to be fine, that time will make everything easier, that it must be hard with two, that of course I'm overwhelmed, that going back to work was a life-saver for her, that we should hire a nanny, a night nurse, a mommy's helper, that she has a great service I could use to find someone, that she went through the whole process to hire a nanny and then a friend ended up working out as their nanny and then the friend got pregnant three months after they hired her and it was absolutely perfect for everyone... that I should wean them off of breastfeeding (after I told her I was exclusively pumping)...it went on and on. I got to tell her that one of the hardest things is missing B because we're splittle shifts most of the time, and she proceeded to take 10 minutes to tell me that we should go out on dates together. yeah. i know. we're working on it. She asked me if I was having any trouble bonding with the babies. I told her no, not at all...but that I'm struggling with feeling like I'm neglecting one of them all the time while I'm tending to the other. She immediately told me that it's just mommy guilt, everyone has it, and that post-partum depression is officially ruled out if I'm not having trouble bonding with the babies. Ok, great. Thanks. Still not helping me.

She at one point in her babble mentioned that one of her colleagues in their practice has twin boys who are in college now. I scheduled my next appointment with that lady.

Of course, I got home and the next day got a call from my OB saying they need a letter faxed to them from the counselor's office stating that I'm in their care for my insurance...so I had to call and leave a voicemail for that counselor saying "I'm looking forward to scheduling with you again soon (lie), could you please send a fax to my doc saying you're treating me?" Awkward. I'm sure she went and saw that I'm on the books with someone else. I wonder if she'll send the letter.

We put up a few little Christmas decorations the other day but it still feels nothing like Christmas. I think not getting out of the house much will do that. Hopefully we can go get a Christmas tree soon...maybe that will help.

Ok, I think that's all of my randomness.

Oh- Josey at My Cheap Version of Therapy had her baby and it's a GIRL!!! Go wish her a huge congrats! :)

Graduating!

2011-12-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

Yes, we're graduating to size 1 diapers over here! Very big news! We ordered a ginormous box of like 300 size ones that just came in the mail today. That'll last us about 10 days... ;)

B has this week off of work which is just so incredibly stellar. I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes when he's home. It's like I can breathe again. I'm dreading him going back to work next week because this is his last extended vacation...after this he's back at work full-time all the time. :(

I'm taking advantage of him being home (I've learned this is crucial to my sanity). I actually went for a RUN today! I mean, I don't know if you can call it a run per-say. I did the first day of the Couch-To-5k running program, which is one of my favorite workout programs ever. I've been cleared to start exercising however I see fit, but taking it slowly. So this program is perfection. The first week, you only run 60 seconds at a time with 90 seconds of rest in between. Technically, the program calls for running three times per week. I'd love to say I'll do that, but let's be realistic here. There's a hierarchy of needs in my life now, and running/exercise is falling around number 64. If I have any free time I'm either trying my absolute hardest to fall asleep, get some mildly healthy food in me, clean bottles, pump, clean more bottles, pick up stray dirty diapers, move around baby stuff for the 700th time, or just try to sit down and relax for a bit. Oh, and of course there's the ridiculous amount of research I feel called to do via go.ogle to figure out how to help twins sleep through the night, how to tell if baby has reflux, the best way to suction snot out of baby's nose, what to do if twins are going through growth spurts separately, when to transition to the crib, how to make crying it out feel less cruel, what to do when baby spits out pacifier every 3.5 minutes and starts screaming about it...you know, the usual.

We're starting on the Babywise method with the twins this week. We've been doing the eat/play/sleep routine since they were born (I mean, as much as possible with the sleepiest late-preterm babies ever). But now we're starting to listen for cues a little more and let them settle themselves down more often. So far today has been stellar. Caleb being sick throws a wrench in it a bit...I can't let him soothe himself really. But if I just go put my hand on his chest and kiss his forehead he calms down and honestly has fallen straight to sleep every time. Grace is doing really well with it so far, too. But it's only been one day. We'll see. They both are absolutely on the 3 hour schedule. Honestly, you could set your watch on Caleb's need to eat. Every three hours on the dot he's starting his adorable grunting routine to let us know that he's got his hands in his mouth justincaseyoucouldn'tseeme. "I'll eat these hands if you don't feed me within 4 minutes, Mom. Don't test me." Love him. He's getting HUGE!!! Almost 10 pounds. Look at this little man now:

Do you remember what he looked like before?

Yeah- look at my hand compared to him. He was SOOO skinny, it was terrifying to me. And this was like 8 days old, he wasn't even just born. Yikes. Little man has taken it upon himself to show me what's up. :)

His nose is getting progressively better every day. He gets stuffier when he gets worked up, so if I happen to be feeding Grace first and he wakes up hungry while she's on the bottle...oh here comes the grunting. Poor little dude. That's probably the hardest part about being a twin mom so far. I want to be there when they are crying right away...but sometimes that means neglecting one of them. It feels awful. As soon as their tummies get a little better at managing feedings without the need for an immediate burp or a massive spit up, I'll try to attempt the tandem bottle feeding with boppies or bouncies again. They're just each too high maintanence for it right now it seems.

Grace is hanging in there without getting this bug so far. She has the occasional bout of coughing that gets me all worried that it's coming...but so far she's not too stuffy and no signs of any trouble breathing. She's not growing nearly as fast as Caleb, but I think she's growing right on schedule, about an ounce a day or so. She looks happily plump...and I just adore her little chubby baby knees!!! That's my favorite part :) Her hair is getting longer, too! Daddy tried to put some of his hair product in it this afternoon and I flipped out. haha

She's mastering the art of breaking out of her swaddle, sadly. Looks like swaddles might be a thing of the past for us. :(

I'm going to see a counselor finally on Wednesday. You'd think they'd get a post-partum depression patient in a little faster...but alas, it's finally here. I really don't know how it's gonna go. I know I have a few things I want to talk about- and it's funny, I'm actually a little ashamed to write them out here. Probably because I know there are so many of my friends and family who read this. Basically, I'm still feeling out of sorts...having some trouble adjusting from time to time. I love my babies with everything I have, every inch of my being. They are our world. It's overwhelming really. And that's where the counselor comes in. I need to understand how to handle these immense feelings, and this hugely drastic change. I need some help in coping with the newness of it all.

But good Lord, I wouldn't trade a minute of it for the world. Look at them. Just look at them. Can you blame me? They are the most precious things I've ever seen. They are perfect...and they rely solely on B and I. Luckies, I hope we're everything you need. I hope you know how much you mean to us. How desperate we are to be perfect for you...all the while knowing we can be nothing of the sort. It's terrifying, but gratifying at the same time.

Alright, Mr. Caleb has apparently decided that nap time is a no-go. Time to see if my "hand-on-chest" trick will work again- I'm not holding my breath. ;)

A trip to the PICU...and six weeks old

2011-12-03T15:09:00.000-08:00

The twins are six weeks old today...and it's been a whirlwind of a few days, that's for sure.

The babies have both been stuffy since they were born, lots of adorable little baby sneeze attacks from the get-go. Well, adorable turned into terrifying when Caleb started having trouble breathing around Thanksgiving. I didn't think too much of it because they've just been so stuffy the whole time. But it got progressively worse until he started showing signs of actually being sick a few days ago.

I decided that I wasn't going to be worried about looking paranoid and I called the pediatrician's office. When I said he was having labored breathing, they told us to come right in. Two hours later, I took both of the kids to the doctors office and actually had to sit in the "sick kid" waiting room :(.

As soon as the doctor came in and saw him, she looked me in the eye and said "I want to mentally prepare you for this right now, you may be going to the hospital today". I, somehow, kept my cool, thanked her for preparing me, and listened intently to everything she had to say. I was taking mental notes of everything she was looking for...ready to have to look for the same for our little Gracie too.

When I heard her tell the nurse to go get the RSV screen, I started to panic a bit. His left eye was covered in yellow gunk, his nose was almost completely plugged up (I had taken him into a steam room, tried multiple times at the syringe, used all kinds of saline drops...nothing was working anymore), and the way he was breathing by that point was just so terribly sad and scary.

When she checked out his chest, she pretty much decided then and there we were going to the PICU no matter what. He was retracting his chest, struggling really hard to get air. She wanted him monitored and didn't want to send him home with me.

We waited for the RSV screen to come back, which took about 15 minutes. I called B to come straight over from work, which he did...and poor guy was in full on panic all the way over. All I could tell him was that Caleb was struggling breathing, we were being admitted to the hospital, and they were testing him for RSV. He freaked. Understandably.

Luckily, little dude doesn't have RSV. So so soooo luckily. Oh my gosh I don't know how I could handle it. He has bronchialitis, a virus that we just have to wait it out through, and this is hard enough. I can't imagine having to stay in the hospital as long as we would have to with RSV...and watch it get progressively worse. Caleb is already doing better, and our strong little man didn't even need to be on oxygen! They did a ton of deep suction on his nose, which he HATES by the way. They screened him for flu viruses, all negative. They montiored his breathing, his O2 saturation, all was looking stable. They kept him overnight, so I stayed with him in the hospital and B stayed home with Grace- which was torture for both of us. I had a hard time being away from my baby girl and B really wanted to be with Caleb to make sure he was ok.

I pumped the whole time I was at the hospital (ugh) so I could feed Caleb, and we had plenty of milk at home for Grace. I'm a pumping machine- I get almost 400mL per pump (every 3 or so hours), so the kids are well fed with plenty to spare. I'm really lucky that I've been able to get such a good supply.

They sent us home yesterday afternoon after a little coaxing from me. They were going to just keep him there another day or so just to watch him, but they weren't doing anything for him other than piss him off every few hours when they'd check his stats. He was sleeping in a tiny little isolette and he'd wake himself up when he'd flail his arms and hit the sides (they wouldn't let me swaddle him arms in...although Caleb hates that anyway). If they were giving him oxygen or if he was wheezing, I'd make sure he stayed there- but honestly, every time they came in they would say how strong his lungs were but that it was just his head that was congested. They couldn't do anything about it, and the deep suction had now caused his sinuses to inflame and swell up...making it harder for him to breathe. Poor little guy.

So they discharged us with lots of instructions on what to watch for. I was sent home with a lifetime supply of saline, a stethoscope to listen for wheezing, and instructions on keeping him upright at all times (other than diaper changes of course). He's sleeping in his bouncy and we are feeding him in a vertical position (we have to stand up to feed him...awkward).

I'm so so glad that he's doing better. I had to take him back to the doctor's office today and he looked pretty good. He still has some bad flare ups where he can't breathe and he can't eat cuz his nose is too plugged up...but for the most part I can get him pretty cleared up with the saline (and lots of tears on his part, he hates it).

So now we wait for him to get better, and we watch for Grace to get worse. Doc thinks she may already be starting...she's got a tiny bit of a cough. Hopefully she doesn't get it like Caleb did...his lungs seem to be more immature than Grace's.

B has been awesome this whole time- he hardly slept while we were in the hospital, and he took such good care of Gracie, watching for any increase in coughing or trouble breathing. Oh, and of course, he cleaned the entire house (which he does on a regular basis now, how lucky am I???)

I so hope that they are both ok by Christmas so we can hang out with the family. My doctor lectured me about making sure NO ONE comes around the kids if they are even remotely not feeling well. No one comes around anyway, we're so paranoid all the time. Ugh.

Other than this horrible little bug, they are doing really well. Grace is up to 8lbs 3oz as of Thursday. And Caleb is already 9lbs 3oz!! He grew an entire pound in 8 days! Wow.

Here they are right now, snoozing away in their bouncies.

Poor stuffy Caleb

Grace Face

And here are some pics from this past week...

Thanksgiving outfits! Mommy's little turkey and Thankful for daddy! These were a bit too big...3 month size :)

Tummy time for Caleb!

No more paparazzi...

Is it my turn with the camera?

Grace- Not digging tummy time right now.

Yes, we've made them Colts fans even if they would choose not to be after this season...

Baby butts

Grace feet!

And look, I even somehow had some time to bake Daddy a birthday cake!! Happy 30th, Daddy!!! (this is right before the cake actually broke in half and imploded...awesome- I didn't say I was GOOD at baking...)

Growing

2011-11-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

Our litttle ones won't be little ones for long, especially "teeny tiny Caleb". We had their one month check up the other day and everything looks great!

Grace is now 7lbs 12oz as of Wednesday. She's 19 3/4" long and her little head is 34 3/4 cm. Caleb has officially surpassed his sister, weighin in at 8lbs 3oz and 21 1/2" long!! However, his little head is super little still..only 31 3/4 cm. The nurse said that he's tall and she's smart...I beg to differ- they're both tall AND smart thankyouverymuch. ;)

Mr. Caleb has a little hernia, but apparently it's nothing to worry about. The doctor said it would go away by the time he's 3 and his little ab muscles have developed. Three??? Our kids will be three one day??? How is that possible, they're so tiny and helpless. It's funny, it really feels like that sometimes, like they're going to be this small forever. But then some days, like today, I put them in an outfit that they were swimming in just a couple weeks ago and now it hardly fits...and I realize that I've got such precious few moments left of these tiny baby memories.

We've decided to stop Grace's reflux medication for a bit because it wasn't really helping much. We're going to see what happens and decide what to do next. Both of them are on gas drops with every bottle...we're gonna stop those next to see what happens. They are still groaning and seeming uncomfortable all the time (which I know babies groan...but it's all day and night).

We got their birth announcements in the mail and they are SO cute, I can't wait to get them out...but I'm dreading having to sit down and address all the envelopes. When do I have time to do that?? I'm stealing a couple minutes to type this while I'm pumping...and listening to Caleb on the verge of crying because I put him down in his crib too soon after eating. We usually need to hold them upright for at least 15 minutes every time.

Thanksgiving was awesome- my parents came over and brought the food, so I didn't have to cook AND we didn't have to go anywhere. How lucky are we?! It was super delicious, and the kids were really good all day and slept through most of it. Unfortunately, that meant they were up most of the night, but B and I were able to sneak away for a couple hours leaving Nana to watch the littles while we hit up a couple of stores for Black Friday at midnight! Got a few good deals, too!

Ok, Caleb's had enough, need to go get him. I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was superb. I can't believe it's almost December...and almost Babies' First Christmas! Can't wait!!! (I need to find some adorable little Christmas outfits- that's the best part!)

One Month

2011-11-22T18:26:00.000-08:00

My darling Grace and Caleb,

You two are one month old today, and I can't believe it! Time has truly flown by this past month. You've each already grown so much, and I know the next months will only go faster. I want to bottle up these precious moments, holding you each in my arms, staring at your tiny fingers, playing with your little toes. I can carry each of you in one arm you're so light, and I know that won't last forever.

My little Gracie Mae, you're our little butterball...but you're just a tiny little thing. You came into this world a month ago looking so big next to your brother, and you've had a personality all your own ever since. We call you our little Diva because you started out as the crier of the two of you- you needed more attention, and you were quite a bit more stubborn. But this past month has brought a lot of changes, and you truly are an easy going little princess. You cry when you need to be changed, fed, or held, but you're happy as soon as we get there. You can't get enough of lying on your Daddy's chest. He puts you to sleep instantly, and its the only time that you seem to ever be truly relaxed...lying with your daddy. My heart melts every time.

A lot of the time I'm worried about you because you just seem so uncomfortable. You have reflux, and what seems like some serious gas pains all the time. You take gas drops with every bottle and we have you on reflux medication now twice a day...I'm hoping you outgrow it soon, but you're still so little I'm afraid we have a while until your tummy matures all the way.

You're a super eater now, though. I remember in the hospital we had the hardest time getting you to drink 15mL from your bottle. Now you take down 80 or 90 ml at every feed, eight times per day. You and your brother are eating only breast milk, but you have pretty much stopped nursing, so we only feed you by the bottle. I haven't given up on it yet, though. We'll keep trying!

My favorite times of the day are when you're awake and looking around, which has just started happening a little more often. For the first couple weeks of your life we were one "calorie watch" and pretty much needed you to eat and sleep, period. But now I spend a good deal of time trying to wake both of you up...and you're definitely in love with your sleep, especially when I'm trying to get you up and at 'em! But those few times when you decide you want to check out the world, I can't get enough! Today we spent a long time just staring at each other. You've got such beautiful eyes, I love looking at them. You also are starting to recognize your little toys a bit now, and today you stared at the lion on your bouncy chair for almost thirty minutes (with a little time looking at the hippo...but I think you're much more fond of that lion!). We also spend a little time on your play mat every day now, and you swing your arms and kick your legs enough to get all of those little friends moving around, too!

Gracie, I never want to forget your chubby little cheeks and those adorable baby rolls on your legs and knees. And your hair! I just love stroking your hair, it's so soft. Especially after bath time (which only happens a couple times a week right now,but I'm so looking forward to stopping the "sponge baths" and getting you in some water soon! And baby girl, you smell like heaven. I could just lay smelling you all day long if you'd let me.

I'm so proud of how big you're getting, but a part of me doesn't want you to keep growing. I want to savor every minute of your tiny-ness. But, baby, you will keep growing, and I can't wait to see what the next days, months, and years bring for you. You're such a strong little girl already...I love you, little face!

And my baby boy, Caleb. Oh, my tiny little man. This month has been such a roller coaster of emotion for me- I spent so much time worried about you and feeling like I had let you down. You were just so skinny and frail when you were born, and then you lost more weight and, baby boy, you were TEENSY! But...little man...you've officially taken care of my fears! You're a rockstar little eater and you've taken it upon yourself to ensure I don't feel awful any longer. You're eating about 4 oz (about 120mL) at every meal, eight times per day and your little cheeks have gone from sunken in to full on chub!

You were our super chill little one in the beginning. You wouldn't mind waiting for us to tend to Grace when she'd cry her eyes out; your patience was surprising. Lately, however, you've found your voice and you make sure we don't forget it! But buddy, you're still such a laid back dude. Today, you laid in your crib for a good 20 minutes just hanging out peacefully because you just weren't tired when your sister was. I make sure to take advantage of alone time with you and your sister whenever I can, because I just love gazing into your eyes and watching your little facial expressions. I love when you hold my finger as I feed you or when I'm just taking a little Caleb time.

You've had a couple of rough times this past month- you were born a bit jaundice and you had to get your blood drawn way more than I would have liked. You really didn't cry much at all, though. But today, you got your newborn screening done...and you screamed your little head off! What a difference a month can make! And you sure let us know how mad you were about being circumcised...sorry about that, bubba. I love that you're lungs are getting stronger and your personality is bubbling up. You only really cry when you're wet, hungry, or just really really want to be held. You're such a good baby, little dude! But I worry sometimes- it seems like you might have reflux like your sister, now...and you still choke a lot when we're feeding you. Hopefully you'll grow out of that and figure out this whole breathing while eating thing.

You're eating only breast milk, and you've actually figured out the latching thing so we can nurse every once in a while. Somehow though, you're never satisfied from nursing so I always give you a bottle afterward... and of course you finish the whole thing! I think you might be our linebacker one day...or maybe a QB! ;) Nana would say "absolutely not" and make sure that I plug becoming a pitcher. I'm good with that, too.

I never want to forget how soft your little feet are, and your adorable gas smiles! You'll open your mouth SO wide and get this hysterical grin on your face, inevitably followed by a very loud noise and another diaper change... Oh, and your squeaking. You speak through squeak and it's the cutest thing. You've just started to sort of babble through squeaking rather than just squeaking when you're upset. You squeak at your little friends on your play mat and I love watching it.

You don't love bath time right now because you're not a fan of getting cold...but soon we'll be able to let you sit in some water, and I so hope that you like that.

Your Daddy and I dream of what the future holds for you. I couldn't be more in love with you, and I know I'm going to just keep falling more and more in love with you every day. I can't wait to watch you grow and get stronger. But not too fast, ok little pants? I want to cherish these moments that I can hold you so close and keep you safe...

My loves, my luckies... this has been the most incredible month of my life. I never knew how difficult, and how rewarding it could be to have you here with me, and I'm so unimaginably grateful. You two truly are miracles, I hope you know that.

Newborn Photos!!

2011-11-17T07:15:00.000-08:00

Well I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get on here and post these, I've been wanting to for a while now. But, you know, two babies...

The offspring are doing well. They're starting to discover their voices a little more nowadays- the crying has increased a bit. Somehow our children have discovered also that we will hold them when they cry and they tend to enjoy this. :) They will be super pissed, totally inconsolable in their cribs, and then we pick them up and they're happy as can be. Not easy when there's two of them and only one person to hold them...but it works when both B and I are there or when we have help. I know you can't spoil a newborn, but it sorta feels like it. I kind of want them to get used to not being held cuz it just won't happen all the time if both are unhappy. That sounds awful, but it's the truth. Sad sad sad. What to do?

They're still growing well it seems. We have their one month check up next Wednesday. I can't believe the twins will be a month old on Tuesday!! That's crazy- time is flying by! The past month hasn't been all easy, but I absolutely know I'm going to miss this phase. This tiny baby wanting to be held and being super happy in my arms phase. I tear up just thinking about it- I know that they'll get to a point when either a) holding won't make them feel better or b) they outgrow it and want to be down running around more than being held. I know there are amazing parts to that phase as well, but I'll miss this feeling. I love that I can make them happy so easily sometimes.

Caleb's bubba bits are getting better. He wasn't happy for the first couple of days. I've never seen a baby cry so hard as the first time our little dude went to the bathroom after the snipping... it was awful. I cried right along with him as he gripped my finger so tight he had white knuckles. I don't like thinking about that. But he's doing much better- it seems to not have phased him much.

Gracie is still grunting away. She still vomits more than I think she should and seems just so terribly uncomfortable a lot of the time. I know little lady has some wicked tummy trouble...I just want to make it go away. Hopefully she grows out of that soon.

Still exclusively pumping- no formula. I got clogged ducts last week that were horrendously painful. Took almost two days for them to clear up- had to do a lot of heating pads, hand expression, and finally got Caleb to latch on and tackle the problem himself. That's what did it! I get them both to practice latching once or twice a day, but haven't seen much progress. I'm thinking we're going to be exclusively pumping for the long haul. We were hoping they were just too little to latch or stay awake while breastfeeding- but now they've gotten so used to the bottle, I don't know if there's any hope for us. Plus, I'll be going back to work anyway. But I still don't love having to pump after every feed. It takes me an hour and a half to finish the whole feeding/pumping process each time. Which is brutal when they want to eat every two hours (from the start of the feed), so I only get about 30 minutes "off" sometimes. But they eat every 3 hours mostly, so that's good. Trying to get them to do one 4 hour stretch at night, unsuccessfully thus far.

Oh- B and I got to get away for a little bit a couple of times now. My mom has come over to help us and let us sneak away in between feedings (pumpings). She's taken full feedings by herself several times which has been a REAL lifesaver for us. So B and I actually went and got some sushi and went to play a few slots at a casino near our house the other day!!! It was awesome to hang with him for a bit- that's been the hardest part for me, missing my B. We see eachother all the time since he's home from work, but being on baby duty makes seeing eachother not exactly "quality time". It was a great three hours! But of course, we both missed the twins :)

I'm going to try to get out for a walk most days now that I'm feeling a little more comfortable keeping the babies awake. We were so paranoid about their "calorie burning" there for a while...but just getting out of the house for a few minutes makes ALL the difference. I get wicked stir crazy. I'd like to start running again as soon as I'm cleared for it. I don't want to damage my recovery by starting too soon, but I feel pretty good and I seriously miss working out. It's been forever- an entire year honestly. I need it. I go back to see my OB this coming Wednesday...which won't be a full 6 weeks, but they kept telling me how awesome my body was handling the c-section and how I was recovering super fast. She might clear me then. I hope so!

And finally, the cutest twins you've ever seen (I may be slightly biased...but go with it):

Grace Face!

Peaceful Caleb

I mean, he was totally content sleeping on this tree trunk in our front yard...

Tiny Feet!

And because my mom would die if I didn't add it...baby yawn!

The Adventures of Boo Boo and Squeaker

2011-11-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

First, thank you for the support and encouragement on my last post. My doctor called today to check in on me and asked if I want to go forward with talking to a counselor. I'm feeling a little bit better today, but every day is different- so I decided to go ahead with it. They are getting me a referral, so hopefully having someone to talk to will put me in a good place, a better place. I just want to be stable, I want to be the best mother I can be for these amazing little ones.

Speaking of our amazing little ones...they're doing great! They are both eating a little more all the time...they've hit a bit of a growth spurt I think, they want to eat more often now. And we've had a few more crying spurts from each of them. They really didn't cry much at all for the first couple of weeks. We got a bit spoiled. ;)

So, you recall that B and I are "nickname" people. We each have about thirty nicknames for eachother...and our children are no exception. From the moment we got that BFP they've had nicknames. And it's gotten worse. My favorites are Boo Boo for Grace and Squeaker for little Caleb. They fit so perfectly. I'm for sure gonna write a children's book about them one day... ;)

Here's their list of current nicknames at 16 days old:

Grace: Boo Boo, Little Lady, Lady Cakes, Grace Face, Gracie Cakes, Gracie Mae, Boo, Fussy Britches, Princess, Monkey, Little Face, Little Pants, Sissy
Caleb: Squeaker, Bubba, Bubs, Buddy, Little Face, Little Pants, Mr. Caleb, Little Dude, Little Man, Old Man, Crabby Pants, Brother

We'll see what happens when Caleb surpasses his big sister in weight and size...cuz he's working on it. He's already longer than she is! At the doctor last week he measured 19.5" and she was only 19". He's stretching out, but he's also growing into his skin so it's not so wrinkly anymore. He had that old man look going good there for a while. But little dude's filling out. I can't wait for him to get chubby knees like his sister! :)

I'll leave you with some pics cuz I.just.can't.stand.how.friggin.cute.they.are. :)

Standard scene in our house nowadays! This was a couple days after we brought them home.

Daddy is mastering the tandem feed. Mommy still doesn't have these mad skills...

Halloween trip to the pediatrician!

Happy Halloween!

Super Babies!

Grace Face

Squeaker

First (and only thus far) walk!

Boo Boo was having a rough night...so she got some special time with Mommy on the couch. :)

Two Weeks Old!

2011-11-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

The twins, our little luckies, are two weeks old today! What an amazing world it is.

The appointment on Thursday went well- Caleb has officially passed his birth weight and weighed in at 5lbs 9oz! Still teeny tiny, but a half a pound bigger than when we left the hospital, so that's fabulous! Grow little man, grow! Baby Grace is still just shy of her birth weight weighing in at 6lbs even. I'm sure by now she's surpassed that, though.

We talked to the doc about Grace's groaning and tummy trouble- so I've started her on gas drops with every feed. So far it seems to be helping a bit. We've also inclined her bed a little. She's still doing the arch back thing, which leads us more toward reflux. But we'll see.

Ok, I don't want to get started on any sort of circumcision debate here- I know how heated those things can get. We've decided to circumsize little man (I'm sure he'll love this later...), and I've felt good about that decision. Until now. They weren't recommending doing the circ at the hospital because a) he was "late preterm"...lovely, b) he was just a little guy, and c) he wasn't really doing so great on the eating thing. Lots of falling asleep on the bottle/breast. So they recommended giving him a little more time to grow and get solid in the suck/swallow/breath things since the circumcision can make little dudes sorta sleepy (aka hunger strike cuz WTF did you just do to me??!?!?!?!?)

Well, I was hoping we at least could get it done in the first two weeks of little man's life. Now they want to wait til next week and I'm thinking 'holy crap he's getting too old for this and I'm way too attached and it's gonna hurt him and he's gonna be mad at me and resent me and I'm fairly certain he can remember stuff now cuz he's so OLD". Logical, I know.

So we're scheduled for next Thursday, but not until we have another weigh in on Wednesday that shows he's still growing and eating well. If not, then what? They wait some more? What, is he gonna be like 12 when this thing happens? I just want to say "nevermind", it's not worth it. But I don't own the equipment so I'm not gonna make this final call- especially cuz I'm super wicked emotional and not exactly logical all the time nowadays.

Speaking of super wicked emotional- I'm on "post partum depression watch" now. I went and had my two week post-op appt with my doctor...and promptly broke down crying the moment she came to the lobby to get me. Then I cried the entire appointment. Then I had planned to use my gift card from my wonderful husband for our anniversary to get a facial cuz B said I should and I've been obviously a little unstable and he thought it would help. Well, I had scheduled for right after my visit with the doc, but when I went out there, they somehow had forgotten to add me to the schedule and couldn't get me in for another 45 minutes, so I broke down crying in the lobby of the spa. HOLY WTF. I was so incredibly embarrassed, but I seriously could NOT control it. It was flippin awful. So of course the amazing nurses saw the mess, pulled me aside, got me some water, told me they'd figure something out, got my doctor who came out and pulled me into a room to talk to me about how I "was feeling"...and decided that they should call me on Monday to "make sure I'm ok". Yeah. For real.

I'm not feeling like I'm going to hurt anybody or anything like that. I'm not feeling detached from my precious children or angry at them, or anything. I just feel super emotional and exhausted...and a little bit like I'm failing at this motherhood thing. I keep saying to myself that if there were just one then I'd be better at this- but with the two, I feel like I can't do it well enough. I can't split my time, I can't feed them together, I can't handle hearing one cry while I'm tending to the other, I can't sleep...I just can't. I really hate feeling like this. And I totally know that it's absolutely normal to feel overwhelmed and my hormones are like rabid monkeys bouncing around... I just gotta get through this stage. It's gotta get better on the hormone front. I cry nightly. Not cool, body, not cool. I want to cherish every single waking second with these amazing miracles. I don't want one bit of it to be tarnished by sadness or anxiety. But alas, such is life.

So they started talking to me about how the baby blues only last a couple of weeks and if it continues much longer then they think I should talk to a counselor or maybe start some medication. I don't know. I'm gonna wait to see what happens. I'm so incredibly happy to have my beautiful babies here, well, and in my arms. I feel like such a horrible person having any of these feelings.

Anyway- lots of great stuff going on right now as well. I don't want you to think I'm completely F'd up. I swear, I'm not. We got our newborn photos and they're brilliant. Hopefully we'll get the CD soon so I can upload some. ALSO- I, apparently, have broken my doctor's office's record for the most weight loss the quickest... I'm already down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I lost about 50 pounds in about 11 days. Haha, nice. I look so different- my legs are actually smaller than they were. My belly has a little bit of a jiggle to it now, but I don't have a pooch or anything like I thought I would for months. Just sorta soft. And my butt got flat!!! Oh, and the ladies up top- no joke. This breastfeeding thing is for real. ;)

We're still exclusively pumping. I'm really not working very hard to get them to latch ever. It just seems so futile. Pumping is a pain though- I hate having to wash all of that stuff all the time, every 2 and a half hours. But my production is great, and I'm already freezing a ton. I get almost 200 mL every time I pump (about 15 minutes or so). Things have gotten better since I started using a hands free pump...it was awful being stuck holding the pumps on. I would highly recommend if you're going to be doing any large amount of pumping. I have the Med.ela Free.style. Kinda pricey, but worth it.

Alright, gotta go- one of them is stirring. Oh my loves. :)

The Guilt

2011-11-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

I didn't go into anything post-birth in my last post...and there was plenty to go into. The build up to our twins' birth and then the actual c-section all went so beautifully. Of course, it was a little early and unexpected, but we felt pretty prepared and the section was great.

As soon as we got any sort of report about the babies, the guilt started setting in.

We are so incredibly, incredibly blessed to have such big twins at 35 weeks and 2 days. I mean, honestly- 5 and a half pounds and over 6 pounds, that's really big for "late preterm"...especially for twins. And the fact that I made it to over 35 weeks anyway, that's so great. I know this inside. I do. But from the very beginning, all we've heard is "late preterm" this and "late preterm" that. All of the things we need to be cautious of because our babies didn't make it all the way to full term. It's so scary, and honestly infuriating. Why would they not stop labor if it causes so much drama for these babies to be born 2 weeks earlier than we wanted??? Couldn't they have tried a little harder? Shouldn't I have tried a little harder?

I immediately started regretting doing anything that day- running errands, not slowing down, not drinking enough water...

Gracie had some blood sugar problems and had to immediately be supplemented with formula. Caleb was right there with her, and was obviously incredibly skinny. They both had to take a trip to the NICU right after I got stitched up and spent some time with them in recovery so they could get blood tests- Daddy went with them while I was wheeled out of our recovery room and up to our hospital room.

We had to supplement them both the entire time we were in the hospital, but my milk came in really early so I was able to start giving them enough breastmilk after a few days to wean them off of the formula. Now, we're exclusively pumping and bottle feeding breastmilk. They don't want them to breastfeed exclusively yet because attempting to latch burns too many calories for "late preterm" babies...apparently...and I would have to give them a bottle after I breastfed anyway...and then pump as well. With two babies. Not gonna happen.

So we're waking them up to feed every three hours, trying to keep them on the same schedule right now, which is super difficult. One sometimes wakes up after 2 hours and wants food- so we have to wake up the other one as well, or make the one hold off which is just horrifying (I feel like I'm starving my children when I do that...haven't been able to do it).

We had our first big crying session last night with Grace- no idea why. They've been so good, only fussing when they're hungry, wet, or lying in their own spit up (our babies spit up a lot...we have to hold them upright for at least 15 minutes after every feed or it's no good). Poor little Grace also just groans and grunts sometimes for hours- we can't figure out what that's about. She seems so uncomfortable.

We have our second weigh-in today at the peds office since we've been home! They haven't reached their birth weight yet...and they're in the very low percentiles for everything. I'm so hoping that they've gained a whole lot so I can feel better about all this...but I'm sure that guilt will never really go away (I know, no reason to feel guilty- they're healthy and wonderful...I just can't help it with that stupid "late preterm" crap I keep hearing about).

Hope everyone is well!!! I'll try to upload some more of the millions of pictures we've taken soon. We got our newborn photos done a couple days ago, too! Way too much stimulation for the little ones, they didn't like it. But the pics are really cute, I just got to see them!

Mommy needs a nap- hopefully I can sleep (haven't been able to sleep through Grace's groaning...it keeps me awake all day and night :( poor little baby.

One Week Later...

2011-10-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

The babies have been here for a week now, I can't believe it. This has been the longest and shortest week of my life.

Grace Irene and Caleb Michael, three days old

I thought I understood the meaning of the word overwhelmed before I was the mother of twins- but I've learned a new level of overwhelming worry, guilt, exhaustion, joy, and love since I first heard their tiny cries.

Overwhelmed doesn't often give off a positive tone- most people think it's a bad thing to be overwhelmed. I've seen both sides this week. The amount of love I feel for them, the amount of sheer happiness and pride I have in them already- it's truly overwhelming. I feel this incredible sense of protection- of worry for them. It's terrifying, really. And unbelievably overwhelming.

First pediatrician appointment, 10/27- five days old (Caleb on the left, Grace on the right)

Mommy changing baby Caleb, our little man, for the doctor's visit. He's still a little jaundice and he had to go get his heel pricked for the FOURTH time right after this. What a strong little dude.

Grace cuddling with Mommy after her first sponge bath at home, six days old. Yes, I still had my hospital bracelets on until yesterday...

So their births- I'm glad I was able to throw a couple of blog posts up right before and then right after their births to document what was going on. It was such a whirlwind, an unexpected whirlwind.

Friday was supposed to be a relaxing day. My best friend, JJ, came over and she was gonna help reorganize our kitchen cabinets so we had room for some of the baby supplies. We were, after all, less than a week away from their delivery! Only one weekend left- had to take advantage! Well, we ended up spending two hours reorganizing the whole kitchen...and then taking back some baby stuff and shopping around for Halloween onesies in "newborn" size- they were coming before Halloween now! I wanted to have something for them to wear for a picture! Oh...looking back. If only I had laid down when I first started contracting instead of pushing through it to get a couple more stupid little things done.

I started having contractions pretty early in the day- probably around 10am. They were irregular and similar to the braxton hicks, just a little more frequent. I didn't count them or time them...I figured they'd stop when I'd lay down or drink some water, just like they always had.

Then about four hours later, I noticed that they were really hanging around a lot more than usual. I didn't go a full 30 minutes without one like I always had before. When B got home from work around 4ish, I finally laid down in bed with him to chat. It was the first time I'd put my feet up and really started paying attention. How selfish of me, how foolish.

That's when I started timing them for the first time- 4:00. My contractions were already 5 minutes apart when I first started timing. I called the doctor after about an hour of timing them. She told me that they wouldn't stop my labor if I was in fact going into labor, but they also wouldn't help it along. So she said I should take a relaxing bath, a shower, anything that was calming for me. Just try to relax, push the fluids some more (which I started doing at 4), and see if we could slow them down.

Three or four hours later, around 8 or 9 I believe, after a nice warm bath, a relaxing shower, and laying down as much as possible (they were getting pretty uncomfortable), I was timing my contractions at about two minutes apart. I knew this wasn't normal- I knew when I called her back and told her, she'd send me to the hospital.

So, of course, the only logical thing to do was blow dry and straighten my hair. Yes, that's right. My contractions were nearly on top of eachother and I straightened my hair. I figured, if I was actually going to have babies soon, I wouldn't want to deal with ridiculously frizzy hair. When I straighten it, I can just leave it alone for a could days... I mean, honestly One Day? (Well, in hindsight, this may have been the only good decision I made all day- it was WAY easier to deal with my hair in the hospital for four days after having it freshly straightened. I know, I'm ridiculous). But I will throw out there that while all of this was going down, B went out and got a workout in. He, at first, thought that it wasn't really gonna happen. But then he decided that if we were gonna have the babies that night, we'd remember everything about the entire day and he didn't want to look back and think he was lazy for not working out. Oh, that's my B alright!

So I called the doc, she obviously sent me to the hospital. B and I packed up our bags (I had already packed the clothes, just needed my toiletries and some extras- B hadn't packed a thing, he was sure we had until the 26th...).

The best part about the night was that on the way to the hospital, my contractions slowed down significantly. I actually told B to turn around- I was sure that it was over and I'd be sent home. I didn't want to deal with the hospital if I didn't have to. They slowed to about 7 minutes apart...I was excited and embarrassed that I'd gotten all worked up over nothing. B convinced me that going to the hospital was still a good idea- what if they started up again? So, we got there around 9:30 I think, not really sure. My doc had called ahead. I already pre-registered and they got me hooked up to the monitors to check the babies heart rates and my contractions. After what seemed like only about 30 minutes, the nurses called my doc to let her know that, in fact, I was having strong, regular contractions every 4 minutes or so, but that I wasn't dilated. She asked them to give me some fluids and call her back if they slowed. They started the IV- B sat beside me and we tried to take my mind off of it. B had told me earlier in the night that he wanted to take me to this new Mongolian bbq place he went to for lunch. We had decided that we'd go as soon as my contractions stopped. On the drive to the hospital and as we sat there waiting, we talked about what time it closed and whether we could still make it...haha.

Just a few hours before they were born!

Notice B's shirt!! The Lucky shirt! I made him wear it :)

After the entire bag of fluids was gone, they checked me again. My contractions were still regular, getting more painful, but I hadn't dilated yet. My doctor called it and said that at this point, if my contractions aren't stopping, going home was pointless (and would just be painful). They told B and I we would be going in for my c-section within the hour. Queue extreme panic and nervousness. We were only a few days earlier than our scheduled section, but we had just lost a week of time only a couple days before that! This was all happening really fast- we had to accept it and move forward. We were gonna be parents...like, now!

It turned out there was an emergency c-section that pushed us back, and then they got really busy and it was a few hours before we got in. They gave me some drugs to slow my contractions because there was no point in laboring at this point. They didn't work- it just got worse (but wasn't horrible by any means- I was still in the very early stages of labor...but I know I don't want to know how much worse it would have gotten...yikes).

Finally, after being prepped for surgery for about three hours, they were ready for us. My parents had driven up to see us off (my Dad had taken two bena.dryl before we called them because he had an allergic reaction, so he was super drugged up and sleepy while we all waited for them to get us in. Hysterical!). I haven't mentioned it yet, but the babies were born on my Dad's birthday! 10/22- what an amazing day! I'm so glad that they were there to see us off, and that our kids share their birthday with such an amazing man!

After some hugs and kisses, I was guided off into the OR.

My Dad- "Papa". A little loopy!

B saying goodbye to the belly- look at that thing!

The hardest part of the surgery was the spinal- and not because it was painful or anything, really it wasn't. I was just shaking uncontrollably! I think I was nervous and excited...and way cold. My doctor actually came over and held me so I could rest my head on her shoulder as they placed it. She's amazing- I have the best MFM ever. Seriously.

I felt the spinal just a bit- had the bee sting feeling, then some sharp pain down one leg, then a little burning. Really nothing too bad at all. It was over and done with in probably 10 minutes start to finish. They laid me back, but of course I was way too tall for the table so I had to try and scoot myself down as my head was hanging off...with hardly any feeling in my legs. Then they gave me a place to put my arms and I apologized over and over for all of the shaking. I couldn't control it.

After only a few minutes, they put up the drape screen and B came in the door. They were moving really fast- and I heard music on in the background. I wish I could remember which song right now... but I remember it being funny what was playing...I think I said that I liked it.

Then, the anesthesiologist started checking my numbness. He wiped an alcohol pad on my arm and asked if I could feel how cold it was and I could. Then wiped it on my rib cage and I could only feel the touch, no cold. Then he moved it up, still no cold. Then higher, no cold. Then my armpit- still no cold. He sort of paused and tried to tell me that, in fact, I could feel the cold. I said no. So we spent the next several minutes going back and forth between my arm and right below my armpit with this alcohol pad. Finally, he got a little nervous and had to tilt the table because he was worried it had gone too high. Nice.

And then, the pressure. Oh the pressure. I feel like I was bouncing up and down off of the table. They were pushing so hard on my upper abdomen. I commented on the burning flesh smell...that was awesome. After only a couple of minutes, the doctor said "and this baby's breech"...to which I thought she said "and this is baby b" and I freaked out that somehow they pulled out B first...I kept asking if it was a boy or a girl...they must have thought I was crazy. Finally they let me know that Baby A was coming out breech- feet first! All of a sudden I started hearing "congratulations!" but I didn't hear a baby crying. I was just waiting for a baby to cry. I didn't believe it. They had already started on Baby B- a ton more pressure because he was so high up. I was still waiting for that cry...and then, I heard her.

It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Our little girl was whaling like no other, but it was such a tiny little voice. I just kept saying "wow", and B agreed.

We didn't have much time to take it in, because they announced that baby B was also coming out feet first, and then he was here. Again, no cry- I could only hear little Gracie. All kinds of congratulations and commotion, but not another little cry. I held my breath, until I heard him.

He was so distinct- a different tiny voice. It was unbelievable. I listened to them both singing and I broke down. We had two children. We were parents. Our dreams had come true.

B was amazing the entire time. He got the whole thing on video (yes, the whole c-section and it's awesome! I'm so glad that I got to see it. He even has video of them holding onto his hand as they were being warmed up and of himself cutting the cords! Absolutely unbelievable.

Our entire world.

The Beginning of "Us"

2011-10-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe just a day ago, it was B and I- just us two.

Welcome to the world Caleb Michael and Grace Irene!

Grace was born at 2:56am on 10/22/11, Caleb was born at 2:57am. Both of our babies were pulled out feet first!!! Grace, our "little" lady- turned out to (of course) be the chunk of the two!!! She weighed in at 6lbs 1oz. Out "Big Bubba", Mr. Caleb, weighed in at 5lbs 7oz! She was 18 3/4" long, he was 18 1/2". It's like the last three weeks she's been stealing all of the food! C'mon Caleb, don't be a push over. ;)

We're doing well in the hospital- got a corner room so there's lots more space, thank God! These babies need a LOT of time, attention, and stuff! :)

I'm doing well- the c-section went very smoothly, my doctor is super quick. B got video of the whole thing which turned out to be amazing and I'm so glad he did it! I didn't get to see the babies for about 15 minutes while they did their tests, but B was taking all kinds of video and pictures of them during that time- and he came over to show me a couple of times. I'll write up a full birth story soon!

We've taken a ton of pictures and I can't wait until I can upload them to show you! These two look nothing alike- her head is so much bigger than his- and she's got the cutest double chin. Little Caleb is so much skinnier than our Gracie Mae! Not what I thought it would be- it's perfection. They're perfection!

More when we get home on Wednesday. And pictures!!

well...they aren't gonna wait!!! :)

2011-10-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

We're at the hospital and I have been contracting for eight hours regularly. I called my doctor, tried to stop them by taking a bath, a shower, laying down...nothing worked. Doc said to come in because I was contracting every 2 minutes.

So after IV fluids and still no slowing they have decided 10/22/11 is the Luckies birthday! It should be just about an hour away an I am already prepped for the c-section!!

Say a little prayer for the Luckies.

Changing it up!

2011-10-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

Scratch that whole "two weeks left" thing. We're no longer having November babies- these are now October babies!!! Our twins will be delivered this coming Wednesday, October 26th!

That's less than six days from now.

Wow.

I think B and I are mostly just stressed out at losing a week of time to get prepared. I mean, we don't really have that much left to do...so I'm not sure what it is. But I'm SO excited to meet these little ones.

They gave Daddy a great show this afternoon. I mean, we had legs and arms and elbows and heads-all moving everywhere. It was a lot of fun that B got to experience that, too. I'm so glad. Cuz they're gonna be here in the flesh so, so soon. I want to cherish every kick and movement.

Doc upped my dosage of medication to double what I was taking before. She feels like if we took them out now, they'd be healthy- so there's no reason to risk leaving them in until 37 weeks. The compromise was 36 weeks. They should be big enough and strong enough by then to hopefully come home with us! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers for lots of good growth these next few days.

I'll be picking up steroids tomorrow to start taking for their lung development. I'll take two rounds before they're evacuated. :)

Our appointment is at 9:30am on Wednesday- need to get there by 7:30am. So these babies should be here by around 10am or so!!!

I mean, wow. Just wow. Can't wait to see them, to hold them, to know that they're safe.

two weeks left!...maybe...and a LOT to say

2011-10-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

Love that title, eh? So I'll start off with the "maybe" part. I was diagnosed with severe cholestasis on Monday after my bloodwork came back. Of course I was diagnosed with cholestasis. It happens in about 1/1,000 pregnancies, so I was desitned to have it. I'm just so lucky! Well, myself and Amanda. Here we are, an ocean apart, really mirroring pregnancy experiences. Her little boy is just the most adorable thing- 4 weeks old now. So that's just another amazing reminder of how worth it this all is. Truly.

I started medication Monday afternoon. Honestly, when the doctor called me to say my bile acids were extremely elevated and I had cholestasis...I was kind of relieved to know that I don't have some sort of psychosomatic itching disorder. Good lord the itching is AWFUL. I wake up in the middle of the night in the act of scratching. Itching in my sleep. It actually wakes me up. Unreal.

Doc said it can take a couple days for the medication to start working to help with the itching...so far it's actually gotten a little worse. We'll see. She said I should take bena.dryl and if that doesn't work then she'll prescribe me something stronger. Then I read on the American Pregnancy Association website to not take anti-histamines with cholestasis...so now I'm paranoid and I won't take it. When I go in to see the doctor tomorrow and mention that I still itch like crazy, she's gonna think I'm an idiot for not taking her advice. Oh the guilt factor. These little babies in my belly have a strong hold on that aspect...I don't want to take anything that's unnecessary or that might not be great for them.

From what I've read and what little the doctor has told me about cholestasis- it means we need to be delivered early. However, because it's twins, we're already set to deliver early. We're going to talk tomorrow about whether it should be even earlier. I have no idea. Apparently, cholestasis can cause some distress to the babies- and can cause them to have liver problems as well...because my liver's not doing what it should be for theirs. I have a lot of questions to ask- but mainly I just want these two to be healthy. If that means we take them out tomorrow, then I'm fine with it. If that means we leave them in until after November 2nd, then I'm fine with it. I honestly don't care how uncomfortable I am- I just want healthy babies if that's at all possible. Please, please let that be possible.

So it's been an adventure- this pregnancy. The hyperemesis was something I never want to revisit, I even have trouble thinking about it. Add the cholestasis to it and it just gets a little comical. I feel incredibly blessed that we're having twins- that we will have two children...that I won't be doing this again. I needed to do it, I wanted more than anything to be pregnant. I'm lucky to have been able to experience this unbelievable transformation. But once is it for us.

I think B is ready for these little ones to come join us, too. He wants big, chubby, healthy babies as much as I do. But I'm in a constant state of "complain" with him. I know that I can. I know that he'll hear me out and listen, he won't judge or throw it back in my face. But that's a lot for any man to take, even a superman like my husband.

Monday we celebrated our second wedding anniversary. I made B a photo book of our entire relationship- all of the memories I could find that we'd captured through picture. I wrote little anecdotes about all of them, and we sat together flipping through that book before we went out to dinner. From the early months- the "puppy love" phase...filled with long drawn out "good nights" out by our cars, dreading driving away from one another...to the pictures of our trip to Disneyland when B asked me to be his wife...to the first time we opened the front door of our first home...and then to pictures of our future- our luckies. It was a beautiful moment for me, looking back at all of those memories and remembering how lucky we've been to have eachother. We started this infertility journey before we even got married two years ago. And we had our share of ups and downs even before this journey started. He's been by my side the entire time. He's held my hand through diagnoses and scares. He's told me to put down the computer, to stop researching and driving myself crazy. He knows me better than I know myself. I'm so lucky to have that in my husband, someone who looks out for me, even when it's difficult.

I think back to the last two years being his wife, and the years before that, and I'm so grateful. We met at a bar during happy hour- he came out to the patio to talk to another girl his friend said was interested. We caught eyes, and then spent hours talking. He gave me a kiss before I drove home- and I gave him my phone number. I remember calling my Mom and telling her about him. I remember hoping about him.

I've watched B grow into an even more amazing man than he was back when I first put my hope in him. I didn't think that was possible. His patience, his calm- he's the perfect balance to everything I wish I was. Our team is a strong team- the two of us together. Add in all of the little moments- the laughs, the playing. I couldn't ever dream of a better match. I couldn't have done this myself if I tried...this was designed, long before I even knew I wanted it.

As we're getting oh so close to starting the next chapter of "us", I can't help but wonder what amazing design is planned for us. I learned a long time ago that I can't make it nearly as good as our Creator can. I'm excited to see what He has in store for us, for our family. I'm excited to watch it all unfold, with B by my side.

To my incredible husband- Happy Anniversary. Thank you for making me whole.

Oh, and B got me a gift certificate to the spa, AND a beautiful watch, AND...drumroll...NEWBORN photos for our anniversary!!! He knows my love language is gifts, doesn't he? ;)

Now to go book our newborn photos- I seriously just can't wait! Do you hear that Luckies? Mommy and Daddy can't wait to squeeze your chubby cheeks and kiss your big bellies...and get ready for some serious photo sessions.

34 Weeks Holy Crap!

2011-10-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

If I were to go into labor right now, this very instant, the doctors wouldn't stop it. We'd call the doc about our regular contractions, have to hurriedly pack up our hospital bags (I really need to do this, what am I waiting for?), drive the 15 minutes to the hospital, be monitored for who knows how long, and then they'd start working on prepping me for surgery. No stopping it. No trying to slow things down. They'd go ahead and bring these two children out into our world. They'd feel good about how long we'd made it. That's TODAY!

I have two weeks and six days until our scheduled c-section.

Who knows what will happen in the next two weeks and six days, but I'm thinking a whole lotta nothing. I'm feeling like these kids are pretty ok in there- fine with the cramped quarters, and looking forward to an 11/02/2011 birthday. And so it will be.

Unless I have cholestasis and need to get them out early. Or my blood pressure spikes to unhealthy levels. Or Little Lady won't do what she's supposed to do on the monitors and they decide to pull the trigger early.

But like I said, while I have no idea what will actually happen over the next few weeks, I'm thinking it's gonna be me sitting around feeling uber-pregnant, totally amused by our offspring and their crazy movements, and trying not to complain about my last weeks of growing humans. Growing humans!!! In my belly. How utterly and undeniably fascinating. Since the very beginning I've been baffled at the thought of there being two humans in there. And now that they are at the stage where they could very well be on the outside, looking just like "babies" and not at all like "fetuses", it's an even more baffling thing. I'm blown away that my body could do this (even if it was touch and go there for a while...and yes, even though it couldn't get this way "naturally"- I put those things aside).

Speaking of infertility. Like how I throw that one out there like that? I don't know what it is, but lately I've been feeling incredibly proud of our infertility battle. The scars that B and I share, both physically and emotionally, are badges I'm wearing with honor right now. I have no shame about them. I don't know if I've ever felt "shame" about my infertility, my lack of ability to do as "nature intended" and get blissfully knocked up all on our own. Maybe it's because we were, in a weird way, very lucky to not have to go through a year (or more) of trying and being let down every month. It's so strange to think of my ongoing health issues, those horrible things that led me back to the hospital far too often, those diagnoses that changed my life and turned our worlds upside down, in a "we're lucky" sort of way. But in this case, I had the diagnoses early that told us we would need to do IVF. There wasn't a question about it for us- even though we tried for a little while to deny it and even sought out a second opinion when we felt the first RE was far too "definitive" about this plan. Every RE would be definitive about this plan. I ain't got no tubes. At least not functioning ones. Can't get much done in the old fashioned way with that staring back at you. Plus, the stage 4 endo, the hashimotos, the questions about the Cushings diagnosis at the time...it was all just too much. We saw our first RE before we were even married. Who does that? haha This girl. Good lord, I'm a lucky woman my B didn't run out of that room screaming. He's been by my side since the moment we said "I really like you...like a lot...like, no, really." (The before "l.o.v.e." talk- one of my favorite memories).

So maybe it's because I've had a bit of a different infertility journey. My infertility journey started when I was 18 years old and a doctor told me that I shouldn't wait too long to try to have kids...my Dad woulda been pissed if he knew that back then. Don't worry Dad- I wasn't taking his advice literally.

Oh, pause. One of the babies has hiccups. Love.

I don't know if there is shame out there after successful IVF for other infertiles. Sometimes there's a bit of something that will creep in when I tell someone we did IVF and they say "oh" in a weird way. But most of the time, it's just a happy "we had to work real hard for these miracles and we were so blessed" type of feeling.

I think of Petri sometimes and hope that my health issues had nothing to do with how short his tiny life was. Then I feel even more blessed by the miracle of these twins- that they made it this far. We are so incredibly lucky, and I'm wearing my infertile badge with all kinds of pride right now. I want so badly for all of you in this journey to reach this place. It's by no means a finish line, but we all deserve this. I hope this next year brings all kinds of infertility babies into the world- happy and healthy.

I pray that all continues to go well while I have these two so close to me- protected from the outside world. And I pray that once they're here and I can see them and squeeze them- that they have the strength to weather whatever it is that comes. And I pray that B and I have that same strength. We've been through so much, these scars are here for a reason and I'm not going to forget their incredible meaning. We've battled through it all together, just the two of us. We'll continue to battle, the four of us together, no matter what comes our way. Because that's how we do. And I'm so, so proud to be able to say that.

The Countdown Continues!

2011-10-11T05:59:00.000-07:00

We're almost at the "three weeks left" mark (tomorrow)! That's a pretty low number of weeks if I do say so myself. I went to the doctor yesterday because F, I feel horrible. My throat still hurts, the itching continues, I've got some more symptoms now...it's just like my body went: "Ha- screw you". I had a pretty good run there in the middle of this pregnancy. And honestly, I'll take this over the first 16 weeks ANY DAY!

Doc does, in fact, want me to do the blood test for cholestasis because of the itching. She brought it up after I mentioned my unreal amount of itching with no rash. She said the results take about 5-10 days to come back (seriously?), so we'll see. I don't know if I really have it, but she wants to make sure that I get the medication I need if I do in fact have it. She's not too concerned with having to deliver me early in the case that I have it, because so far babies' growth have been fine and we're technically delivering early anyway. I wonder if the medication will make the itching stop. I need something to make this itching stop- NOTHING works.

I got some more medication for some other awesome problems. Antibiotics as well, because she thinks I might have had a viral infection that is turning into a bacterial infection with how long it's lingering (but the initial strep test came back negative thank God). I'm not taking them yet...I want to give it another day to see if it gets better. I did, however, wake up at 3am this morning totally congested, feeling awful, not able to swallow...and thinking a little harder about popping the antibiotics. We'll see how the rest of the morning goes.

We got to see the Luckies yesterday! They look adorable per usual ;). No measurements this week, just the BPP and we saw them both practicing their breathing so all is well. I had my first monitoring appointment on Thursday last week and Lady's heart rate wasn't fluctuating like they wanted to see for the first 20 minutes or so of monitoring. They made me stay extra and wait to make sure she would perk up. Lots of belly jiggling and paranoia later, her heart rate moved out of the 130's for a bit and I was released. I had three contractions during the monitoring, too. It was cool to see that- it's been kind of difficult to distinguish between both babies pushing out really hard and a contraction sometimes. But my Braxton Hicks are getting stronger every day, so it's a little more distinguishable.

Oh- baby movements are changing! It doesn't feel the same anymore, it's not that big kick or little flutter. It's more like scraping feelings now! So weird- I love it. I can tell when an arm or a leg is sliding across my belly. And Lady can really give me some intense jabs in the bladder and cervix nowadays. She's a strong little one- I like to see that (even if it totally catches me off guard and induces a yelp!)

I finally had B take some more belly shots last night- I want to make sure we remember this beast of a belly (still no stretch marks...but I'm seriously not holding my breath). So these are 33w4d:

My poor disfigured belly button... ;) haha

Hey there Luckies! I stand like this a lot- with both hands under my belly kind of holding it up. This thing is heavy!

This is my fav. My hubby is 6'5", 230lbs. He's not a little guy. I make him look so skinny (although he is pretty thin in the waist area- he's one of those metabolism blessed people...)!!! I now weigh a good amount more than him. :)

Oh, I've cut back my "in the office" hours now as well. I'm only going in twice this week instead of three times. I think I'll probably do that again next week and then call it quits. I need to figure out the best way to go about initiating my maternity leave- I know how to do it when it's an emergency type situation...not planned like this. Gotta make that call.

I ordered some more storage for the nursery. My mom also went shopping for me and brought over some ideas for the window treatments- we picked one and she's gonna help me install it next week. OH- and I made a couple of calls and priced out a cleaning service. SO excited. I mean, I can't clean anymore. No more bending for me. And I don't want to be all "no, not good enough" to B when he cleans (he's super thorough...but I'm looking for minor details here- this nesting thing is out of control). So I think we'll have someone come by not next week but the following for a deep clean (we've never hired anyone to clean before- I'm excited to have the professionals go at it!!!).

Finally, I made some lists yesterday! I made a list of all the people I want to be called if we go into labor spontaneously, and added their phone numbers in case B doesn't have them or he can't do it or something. I also made the list of people I want to send an announcement out to when the babies are actually born (probably a text saying that they're here and all is well) with their phone numbers, as well as a list of who I want to get an email with pics after they're born. I have a list of all the stuff I want to pack in my hospital bag. The things I need to buy still. And finally, I created our twin schedule tracking spreadsheets!!! :) I don't know how long we'll keep up with these- maybe a couple weeks. But I know with the sleep deprivation I'll totally forget who fed last and for how long/how much. So I was pretty excited about that. Nesting, nesting. I'm such a nerd right now.

33 Weeks...and lots of contemplating

2011-10-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

I'm contemplating all kinds of madness right now, not the least of which being how much harder this has gotten in the past week or so. I don't know what happened, but somehow I jumped from "we're going to break the weight record and have wonderfully chubby babies" to "get them out now, I'm done, please God help me".

Don't get me wrong, I am still enamored by the fact that my body is doing something right. I'm still totally in awe that we're even Pregnant, let alone carrying twins to what could be full-term. I'm so stoked that I'm surviving this and that in just a few short weeks we'll have BABIES. Real ones, take-home ones, God willing.

However, surviving this is probably the best way I can put it right about now. I'm tired of people telling me that I don't at all look like I'm carrying twins. That was super awesome there for a while but now that I feel like I'm carrying triplets, I want the damn credit for carrying twins...just so that I don't feel so awful about feeling soooo awful.

Plus, I got sick. So my throat really, really hurts and I can't get off the couch without groaning ridiculously loud groans...and I got hemorrhoids.

pretty.

And is anyone else so out of control itchy all over their body at the end of pregnancy like me?

Ok, enough of those contemplations. Moving on to my next contemplation- I want my mommy. Whenever I get sick, I have this overwhelming urge to be taken care of by my mom. My husband is seriously the best thing in the entire world, I know this. That doesn't make him anywhere near as comforting to a soar throat as my mom. Weird, I know. I'm apparently 7.

But this additional thought-time on my mom has me thinking about a few things. First, my mama just celebrated her birthday- happy birthday mama- and I was super sad that our internet was down for two days so I couldn't write a post about my mom's bday. Because not only is she the most amazing mother a girl could ever ask for, she's pretty much the best Nana I've ever heard of. My niece and nephew, K and E, have spent many a day hanging with Nana and Papa...and they absolutely adore hanging with Nana and Papa. Watching my mom with these two little people just reminds me everytime how incredibly lucky I am.

First, I got to be RAISED by this woman. She and my dad were/are unbelievable parents. I think about the kind of parent I want to be, and I absolutely think of them. Absolutely. Sometimes I fear living up to them...but I also know that, just like with everything that's come up in my life of any substance, I can go to them for guidance and support. They've already shown B and I unimaginable amounts of support in our marriage, our lives. We're lucky that Nana's gonna come and stay with us for the first week we're home with our two littles...and then she's gonna come back and help me once B goes back to work. I know she's gonna be on speed dial for those weeks in between- and I know the advice I get from her will be the good stuff- the stuff you don't turn your nose up to or roll your eyes at cuz you've heard that a thousand times and it just.doesn't.work.for.you. Plus, the major bonus of my mama and I- she doesn't make me wanna run away and hide. I can very easily tell her to take a back seat on this one- I'm gonna test out my own mommy skills and quite possibly fail- and you're gonna just sit back and feel good about it. no judgement. And I can tell her that she's gotta go out for a little while and give B and I some alone time with our offspring. And I can ask her to help with the laundry instead of holding little lady- cuz she gets it. I mean, honestly, she gets it. How friggin lucky am I?

I know things are gonna get real crazy here, real soon. There will be c-section drama, and nursing drama, and just plain ol' "we've got twins, holy crap" drama. So I need to say this now, just in case my brain don't work so good later- Mama...thank you. Thank you for your unconditional support. Thank you for teaching me that I can be a good mother through your own actions. Thank you for loving me when I'm so truly unlovable. And thank you for supporting us in this incredibly important time in our lives. ...oh, and if I don't thank you later- thanks for doing the laundry, changing poopy diapers, cooking, and helping to keep the house from being condemned. Cuz I know you get it. And I couldn't love you more. Happy, happy birthday. love, your baby girl

Almost Ten Pounds! (pics)

2011-10-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

Yes, there's nearly 10 pounds of baby in my belly. Nearly 10 POUNDS!!! :) Everytime I think of that, I get a flood of unbelievable gratefulness, appreciation- my body is doing something right. My body is growing, housing, 10 beautiful pounds of miracle.

We went for our measurement scan yesterday and the kids look fantastic. We're actually sitting at about 9lbs 11oz- Little Lady is measuring 4lbs 12 oz, Big Bubba is measuring 4lbs 15oz.

We did our first BPP- bio physical profile- yesterday as well. I'd never heard of this. The u/s tech explained that they watch each baby for as long as it takes to ensure that they are practicing breathing. They only need to catch a glimpse of about 30 seconds of this tiny movement, but it meant I got to stare at each of my babies' beating hearts for even longer and I decided that the BPP is the best thing ever.

Lady was first up to bat and she knocked it out of the park. As soon as she popped up on the screen, we could see little breathing motions. Her tiny ribs moving up and down. They recorded it for about 20 seconds and moved on- measuring her head, leg bone, tummy. Apparently, both of our children have awesomely round tummies! I so hope we have chubby babies :)

Bubba was a little different. We watched him for a bit and didn't see the motion. So the tech went about doing all of his measurements- big tummy again! Then we watched some more- still no motion. So the tech brought out the 3-D wand to try and get some good 3D images for us to take home (this was the other u/s tech that I love!). Then we went back to watch. Did this probably three more times, and nothing. I started to get a little worried, but didn't want to show it. I sort of casually asked what it would mean if we didn't see what we needed to see. She noted that I'd be back on Thursday so it'd be fine- but if my fluid was low or he wasn't moving, then they would worry. Neither of which was true for us, so I breathed a little easier. Plus, after making me turn on my side and shaking my belly pretty intensely 6 or 7 times, Bubba gave us our glimpse at his "breathing"!

The tech had discussed at the beginning of the scan why they do a BPP now- that they had discovered that there are warning signs babies show for stillbirth that they discovered not too long ago. If baby isn't doing these breathing motions, has too steady of a heart rate (doesn't see the occasional raise or drop of heart rate) and isn't moving much, that can be a sign that baby isn't in a good place. They can move forward with delivery and give the baby a better shot at life outside of the womb. It used to be up to mom to check for kick counts...which often times, would be a warning sign that was just too late. It was a sobering conversation- I'd just started to get over my uber-anxiety, and to realize that stillbirth increases at 32 weeks with twins...it was a bit to swallow. But I feel so lucky that I have a doctor who recognizes these risks and does a ton of monitoring. I'll be back on Thursday for the non-stress test to make sure babies heart rates are doing what they need to do.

We went back and chatted with the doc again today (I'll only see her again in two weeks, I won't see her at every appt like I have been thus far), and talked about my carpel tunnel (she wants me to wear wrist guards to bed...I haven't decided if I want to go buy them- I asked if not doing anything could cause any permanent damage and really it's just a matter of it being painful, so I'm not sure if I want to deal with sleeping in wrist guards...). I also wanted to ask a bit about the C-Section (this time, our little man was head down, but Lady is butt down still). She explained that we'll need to arrive at the hospital at 5:30am, I'll get an IV, get changed into a gown, then be wheeled back for the spinal block usually right at 7:30 unless there's an emergency that needs the OR before us. B will stay back until the spinal and catheter are in, but he'll come in once they've prepped my belly, put up the curtain, and tested the anesthesia. He'll sit up by my head, and the babies will be out within the first few minutes. She said that the babies may actually come out in the same minute- usually no more than one minute apart! There will be about 12 people in the OR with us, usually 3 or 4 people per baby, plus my doctor, an assistant, the anesthesiologist, and some other nurses. One of the pediatricians will bring the babies over to show me right after they are born, then will take each of them to the warmers to dry them off. B will probably be taking lots of pictures at this point, and then as long as there are no problems, he'll be able to hold them right then and there. I asked if I could have my hands free so they're not strapped down and she said as long as I'm not a wanderer, they could do that. I want to be able to touch these babies!

After I'm all stitched up, which I thought would take a while, but apparently will be done within about 30 minutes of the first incision, they'll let us carry the babies out and into the recovery room for the next hour or two. I'll carry one (well, I'll be rolled with one in my arms) and B will carry one probably. Once I'm in recovery, I can try to breastfeed and do kangaroo care. :) After about an hour or two, they'll take us to our room for the next four days.

I'll still have the catheter in for the first day, but they'll make sure I'm getting up to move around as soon as I can. I'll also be on liquids for the first day. By day two, the catheter comes out, I'll be on oral pain meds, and on solids.

It helps me to know more details about how this is all gonna go down (God willing). I've been trying to envision it and prepare for it, but I had no idea how long until I could hold them, or how long I'd be in recovery, etc. Of course, if the babies have to be in the NICU, everything changes- but we've toured the NICU and I feel somewhat prepared for if that happens (somewhat...).

Doc thinks that these babies might be 6.5 lbs- I'm thinking they might be 7lbs each. I'm gonna work my ass off to get them there (lots and lots of food)! She said that'd be a record for her...and B and I do love breaking records! Doc wants us to pack our hospital bags now and be ready by 34 weeks (a week and a half from now) because they won't be stopping labor at that point! AAAAAHHHH!!!! :) She and I both still think we'll make it to 11/2/11...which would be fabulous for these little ones as long as all goes well.

So I'll leave you with these beautiful pictures of our offspring. I can't believe we're less than a month away.

Our little man and his adorable big nose! The membrane of his sac is covering up half of his face here. But look at that chubby cheek!!!

We couldn't get a great picture of our little girl, she was once again facing away. But you can sort of see her profile here.

Little Lady's EAR!!! SO CUTE!!!

Pediatrician

2011-10-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

And we have a pediatrician! Score!

It feels good to finally mark one of the "crucials" off the list before the babies get here...especially because on my list it was supposed to be done about 2 months ago. Woops.

We went and met with her, Dr. R, last night at the same place as the first pediatrician that we didn't like. The office is good- the staff seems super friendly which I think is a high priority. They have a sick child waiting room separate from the well waiting room- also priority for me. And of course it's really cheery and there are all kinds of distractions for impatient babies/toddlers...and their mamas... We watched Tangled as we sat and waited for about 10 minutes.

Dr. R was a keeper from the moment she walked in the door. Very, very upbeat and excited to meet us. Even more excited when she heard about the twins. And then her "speech" about herself and the practice was spot-on in my eyes. She leads with her strong beliefs in early childhood education of the importance of nutrition and activity- she was a dietitian first. She did a rotation in Cardiology and got so frustrated with all of the 50-somethings or 60-somethings who were too stuck in their ways to see the importance of changing their habits after a heart attack or a triple bypass. No judgement- I'm obviously not the queen of "healthful eating". I just know how important it is to have a good understanding of what proper fuel is for our bodies. I've spent plenty of time with dietitians and nutritionists through my swimming career- I know what's fuel and what's not...and the impact that has. I want my kids to understand the same.

Anyway, rant over. She went on to talk about her beliefs in preventative medicine, in not over-prescribing antibiotics (which at first I got a little panicked about because I HATE when I know that I need the drugs and a doc says no- drink some tea...but she explained her theories very well and qualified with the importance of having the drugs when they're needed, yada yada). It was good.

We talked about circumcision, specialists, vaccines, the days right after birth, and what her role is in the first two years. The office is really close to our house and has Saturday hours. More bonuses.

All in all, Dr. R seems great and I feel really good about this decision- so does B! Now, if only we could have that feeling about daycare...

32 Weeks!

2011-09-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

Holy "Only-5-weeks-left" Batman!

I'm feeling a little bit like these little ones are getting too big for my belly, but I'm loving every kick, jab, and tumble! It's funny, they both have a tendency to sort of stretch out and push really hard up against my belly, so I'll have a huge bulge of baby sticking out somewhere for a little while. That's a bit more uncomfortable than my normal state of discomfort, but again, so friggin cool.

The swelling has returned- it was funny, I went a couple weeks there with my ankles hanging right around normal size. It was a tease. They're back to resembling elephantitis. Pretty. My face is also quite a bit puffier than normal...and of course, the 40 pounds I'm up over my pre-preggo weight isn't really helping in that vein. But honestly, I've still got some gaining to go and I feel good about my weight at this point.

We have our 32 week ultrasound next Monday and we'll get full baby measurements at that one. CAN'T WAIT! I'm really wondering how big these little ones are. I'm guessing around 4.5lbs each. Hopefully they'll be faced to to the side so we can take home some pics this time.

Next week also starts my twice-per-week monitoring! I'm amped to know so regularly that all is going well. But with all of the movement all the time, I have a pretty consistent reminder. I'll get to hear their heartbeats though, so I'm a happy mama.

We did a huge donation drop today- got a bunch of stuff out of the house and made room for Nana to come stay once they get here. I also disinfected and washed all of the hand-me-down toys and gear that we had piled up in the guest room, so now that's all put together. We're still waiting to put together the strollers, the bouncy chairs, and a few other things just cuz they take up a lot of space. We've still got another month or so probably.

Braxton Hicks are becoming quite the norm around here. Not my favorite, but they don't really hurt at all- just uncomfortable. Hard to walk when one comes on...and they make me have to pee even more than I already do :) I blame Lady for that one, she's the baby who's sitting on my bladder.

Still no stretch marks on the belly, although I've gotten a few on my bum now. What's that about?? It's definitely not expanding at the rate my belly is (hopefully)! But I wasn't putting any of the lotion and stuff on my butt, I didn't really think I needed to. Oh well. The one weird thing is now my belly button is starting to itch like crazy! I'm guessing it's from stretching and I'll eventually see some marks pop up, but nothing yet. My belly button looks really weird- it's no longer a circle, it's more of a collapsed oval... both of my laparoscopies had entrance points in my belly button, so I have some scars that are showing up now that I'd never been able to see before. It's weird. Still and "inny" though.

Work is going really well. I've been getting a lot of praise on the work I've been doing recently, which feels good after having such a touch-and-go year. We're looking at me moving up to a new position, a promotion, right when I get back from leave. I have to decide if I want to take that on with two 3 month olds at home- this is gonna be tricky. I've been very up front with my intentions- I want to continue on with my career, but I have no idea what life will be like after the twins arrive. I want to keep my options open, and everyone has been incredibly supportive of that. I feel really lucky to have a management team who believes in me and wants to give me these types of opportunities even though I've been out so much (and working partially from home now). We'll see what goes down over the next several months- should be an interesting ride!

B is in the air right now flying across country to come back home. He's been gone since Tuesday and I hate it. I'm such a wuss, but I missed him like crazy. I got home from work on Tuesday after he had left and there was a vase of flowers on the kitchen counter, a card, and a bag of peanut m&m's. I love that man...he's the best thing in the entire world. The BEST.

Oh, my Mom and I went and checked out the three daycares that we're still considering (yes, you might notice that it was 2 at one point and I added one back in...). She's got her favorite...I've got my "favorite" and B's got his "favorite". The one problem for me right now is the money. My fav is the most expensive one. B's is the cheapest one (not because he's cheap or anything- he just thinks they're all pretty much the same so why pay extra). He is completely comfortable going with the one I like, but I totally see where he's coming from so I'm torn. We're gonna talk to the expensive one and see what they can do about providing a little more flexibility for a 4 day schedule. Right now, they charge the same if the babies come 4 days per week or 5...which seems silly to me. That's what is making that one SO much more expensive- we can do 4 days most weeks, which would save us a lot of money at the other places.

We're going to see another pediatrician tomorrow, so I'm excited about that. I think I'll like this one.

And the drapes are being installed tomorrow in the nursery and the guest room!!! It's getting so close!

Here's a glimpse at my cankles- I just had to post... and I SWEAR they don't look like this normally!

Gross!

I am so excited to meet these babies, and I feel SO blessed to have this beautiful pregnancy...but that doesn't mean it's exactly "pretty" all the time... ;)

Six Weeks and Counting!!!

2011-09-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

The countdown is officially ON! Today hits six weeks until our scheduled c-section (which I've resigned to just calling it a scheduled c-section rather than a scheduled induction date...as lady and bubba have yet to be head down at any ultrasounds in the last several months). I'm SO excited to get closer and closer to meeting these two little miracles- I just can't wait to see them, touch them, know that they're really real.

Went to the doctor on Monday- all looks really well. My cervix is still fully closed and the FFN came back negative again- so doc thinks I may just make it to our 11/02/2011 date as long as my blood pressure doesn't creep up too high. We talked about B flying across the country next week and she was perfectly comfortable with it- noting that we're not having any babies anytime too soon- if I went into labor, we'd do everything possible to stop it still.

We didn't get any pictures of the babies unfortunately this time- both of them were facing my back (he is sideways up by my ribs and she's butt down right on my cervix), moving all over the place, but being ultimately camera shy. They better quit with the camera-shyness soon, they're gonna need to get REAL used to lots and lots of photo ops. Knowing that this is our only go at the "baby phase" makes me feel even more intensely about the need for UBER amounts of baby photos. I'll try to keep the flash off most of the time, I promise. poorthings.

I'm working from home today, getting a lot done, and thinking yet again about the many things we need to do before babies get here. I'm thinking of tackling the portions of the guest room that require no lifting and no bending today if I have some time. I still really want to go to the DMV to get the handicap pass, but I haven't had any time (at least not adequate time to sit at the DMV for hours on end). Maybe today...maybe Friday (but I've heard that Fridays at the DMV are a baaad idea...).

I wish I had some more pictures to post...but here are some fun things:

This little guy came in the mail last week- he's our noise maker!! He has some creepy monkey noises that I'll probably use far too often, as well as some of those normal "white noise" things... But the best creepy part is that it's a recorder, so we can record our voices over these other creepy noises...making it all that much more CREEPY! :)

Aaaah! There's a giant monkey head on our babies' floor! :) Love love love.

Our new glider...adorned with a baby blanket that my great aunt crocheted for me when I was born! :)

The two diaper cakes that one of my employees made for me for my office baby shower! It was so amazing- and these things are too cute! Oh, and the diapers she used have monkeys on them. hehe

This is what a twin nursing pillow looks like. Yikes. (This is in our guest room- which is still totally covered in half-put-together baby gear)

I just had to add some pics of some of the ADORABLE baby clothes we're rocking. Look at this tiny pink tutu!

B picked out this hat- I'm going to LOVE taking pictures of little lady with this thing on. She may hate it.

Um, seriously? Again, B found this gem. Bubba's gonna look so friggin cute!

The BEAST in all its glory. I'm bending waaay over to see my toes here. Which is getting harder and harder to do. :)

I can't believe that at 7:30am, six weeks from today, B will be putting on his scrubs, and I will be prepped for surgery...about to meet our miracles. I can't believe it's coming- I can't believe we're having twins. Is this for real??!?! How could we be so lucky, so blessed? Oh wow, the countdown is definitely on. :)

The Big 3-0

2011-09-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

No, not B's big 3-0, which, by the way, is coming in just two short months!!! This is Luckies' big 3-0! I can't believe we're in the 30's of weeks...I remember being 6 weeks, wanting to know why I felt so terribly sick, and thinking "surely this can't last through the ENTIRE first trimester" as I held my breath and hoped there would be an entire first trimester...

We are now merely 6 weeks and 4 days away from the last possible day I'll be pregnant. Ever. It's such a surreal feeling thinking about that. I know, I know, so many people say "just wait and see, things will change"- and I know they very well could. But let me tell you, we are so incredibly and undeniably blessed. I can't imagine even hoping for another pregnancy at this point (let alone that the whole idea of pregnancy again after the hyperemesis kind of makes me SUPER nervous... and we'd have to go through an FET to get there...which is obviously an amazing option we have since we have 8 frosties- still in total disbelief about this, I can't believe we made quality embryo's, let alone 10 of them!!) Ok whoa, stream of consciousness, sorry.

So back to the big 3-0. With this incredible milestone comes a recognition of my even moreso incredible procrastination. There's a list of things I swore I'd have done by 28 weeks, if not sooner, as my doctor reminded me again and again: "Get everything done by 28 weeks- with twins, you just need to have it all done...". Um, yeah. Not done.

1. Picking a friggin daycare. This is the bain of my existence. The internal war I have going on right now is seriously epic and if I even gave you a glimpse at the truth of what's going down in my head, you'd institutionalize me. So here's a snippet of this situation that's totally censored to avoid my hospitalization: B and I have "narrowed" it down to two less-than-ideal daycare centers. I say less-than-ideal because I have found something or somethings wrong with every single possible option and these two are no different. But I can't very well just hide them under my desk like I want to... so less-than-ideal is really our only option at this point. I'm less than 7 weeks away from delivering twins and I have no idea what we'll be doing with them 3 months later when I return to work. Any option is better than no option at this point. Ugh, I hate saying that. HATE. I'm so F'ing torn.

So- we're down to the Valley Le.arning Ce.nter or Tu.tor Ti.me. Here's my way overly simplified breakdown of the two- remember, I'm leaving so much out because I don't want you to know the truth about how gnarley this all is in my head...

TT- I've been there three times now to just stop in, check it out, sit in the infant room and make sure that the babies aren't being ignored, abused, whatever. The two regular girls who work in the infant room seem to be lovely. There are usually 10 babies in that room, with these two girls. Each time I've gone in, there are a few babies hanging in cribs, not crying, but just hanging. But each time I've gone in there are two babies being fed, one by each girl, or one baby being fed and one being changed...you get the picture. This room is for 6 weeks to 1 year, all combined. I don't like that. Most of the other places we've been have two infant rooms, one for the tiny non-mobile babies, and one for the little walkers. I've seen the little walkers in this room crash into the non-mobile baby "toys" (play mats, bouncers) without babies in them, so I assume the same happens when there are babies utilizing those things. They seem to have a really good hang on the organization aspect. It seems very clean. I've toured the rest of the facility and this is obviously a very well-known daycare center- they've got what they need. The last two times I went, there was a lice outbreak and they were super on top of it, had moved to combing through every child's head before they entered any rooms each day. This is the more expensive option and doesn't provide flexibility for B and I to pay less if we use them 4 days per week instead of 5. It's about 10 minutes from work and 10 minutes from home.

VLC- I've only been to VLC once, and I keep meaning to go back but have gotten significantly busier since we saw this one (this is the last one we saw)...and my procrastination has gone into overdrive. There are three VLC's throughout our very large town, and this one is about 5 minutes from home, and about 20 minutes from work. They have two infant room, one for the littles and one for the movers. The women in the movers room were really great- but we didn't really get to talk to the women in the little baby room. When I looked into the little baby room (they have those half door things so they let people stand outside the room rather than having tours and stuff go in and disturb the babies- I kinda like that), there were probably 7 babies in cribs just hanging out. One cried for a little bit before being picked up, but was then picked up and changed. No babies were on the floor- they were either with someone or in the crib. I don't know if I like that or not...I don't want my baby just stuck in a crib all day. I'd like them to be able to use different stuff to lie around in- different stimuli. But the babies in the movers room were all over the place, moving around- crashing into one another which is perfectly fine at that age...we'll have twins, plenty of crashing will be going on at home let alone daycare. One lady in the little baby room kinda scared me- I'm not gonna go into why cuz that would be far too great a glimpse into my craziness, but it just kinda scared me. The rest of the facility was lacking a little bit, but was definitely adequate for a 2 or 3 year old. This is the far cheaper option- it's a much simpler set up, and it provides us the opportunity to save money by using them 4 days per week (which is definitely an option for us most weeks) so it's thousands of dollars less per year.

So, basically, I'm torn. The fact that the second one seems plenty adequate and is significantly cheaper is pulling at me. I like that it's so close to home, but I'm sure closer to work is more important... I like that the second one has the two infant rooms, but that one lady scared me. And the whole sitting in cribs thing was a bit alarming. I need to go back to VLC and check it out. Both have video cameras in the rooms so I could watch without the teachers knowing. I want to do that.

There you have it. The "censored" breakdown. Need to finalize. Need to go see them again. Need to just tell my brain that it's ok- I'm not a horrible mother for leaving my little miracles in the care of random women... this is gonna take a little while.

The rest of the procrastination is far less wearing. The nursery still needs to get organized. I ordered new pull down shade for the windows in the nursery and guest room ($$), and now my Mom and I get to work on making the windows look pretty to save some money that seems to be quickly flying out of our bank account. We got our glider in the mail and it's pretty! It's not as soft and cushiony as the ones at BRU that we were looking at, but it was about $300 cheaper, so I'll take it. The guest room is still very much full of baby "gear" that's not really put together but sort of...

We also need to go and interview a couple more pediatricians at the place we chose. We only met that one that we didn't like, but we liked the actual place and our nurse practitioner goes there and LOVES most of the docs (except the one we saw). So it's just a matter of picking which one will be ours.

All of our classes are done now. And I'm working part-time from home which is helping. I just can't believe we're so close. I feel huge so I also can't believe I've got nearly 7 weeks left to grow...it feels like they're gonna rip right out of my stomach sometimes. Should be an interesting next few weeks! We get to see them again on Monday afternoon, and then our next appointment at 32 weeks starts the two times per week monitoring. That's a lot of doctor's visists- and I kinda like it!!!

Oh, and B's probably going to PA for a couple days the last week of September. He was super nervous about leaving at all, you know- just in case. But we're gonna make sure my FFN comes back negative and if it does, then he'll go. I'll still be early enough that if I go into labor, they'll try to stop it so he'll have a little more time to fly back rather than me going straight into a c-section like I would later (if both babies aren't head down, which is looking less and less likely).

One last thing- the nausea is coming back. I've upped my dose of meds to twice a day, may have to add another one in the middle of the day again too. Everytime I eat anything I want to puke and I hold back...but I need to keep eating, so meds is the name of the game. I'm still at the point where I can hold back though (thank you zof.ran) and I'm still hungry (as opposed to earlier when food in general was the LAST thing I wanted to think about), so we're good. Nothing like before. But I'm nervous. I don't want to go back to that place.

Ok, to end this epic post- I can't WAIT to see our babies on Monday...and I'm getting seriously antsy to meet these little kickers. They're all over the place now, and I love it. My whole belly will move, even more than in that video I posted a while ago. B gets to feel them all the time, and you should see his face. He looks at me like I'm dying or something when they throw one of their big kicks/flips. I have to admit, it does feel totally crazy. Oh man, I just love it. I'm definitely gonna miss that part- but we'll get to see them kicking their beautiful legs, so I'd say that's a pretty good consolation prize ;)

An Ode to Cat

2011-09-13T18:42:00.000-07:00

B and I figured now would be a good time to take a little moment to recognize our first "child"- the little one who wakes us up every morning if we're sleeping through the alarm and comes to greet us at the door whenever we get home. She's been so much more than just a cat- she's our first child. And I know what you're thinking, cats can't be companions like dogs can...I was right there with you before I met this little grey cat. She's just as much companion as any dog I've seen, just maybe a little more on her own time than ours. But she's cuddled me when I've been sad, she's sat beside me as I've laid sick in bed, and she's followed me around non-stop meowing at me until I realized I had forgotten to feed her that day- she's the perfect animal.

So here's a bit of an ode to Cat: soon-to-be-big-sister (whether she accepts it or not)!

Camera shy- what a little diva...

Her favorite position, lounging! On the floor of our old apartment...

Family photo with the Snugg.ies! Christmas 2009

Sunbathing, another favorite pastime

She was right there beside me (sometimes on top of me if I'd let her) when I was laid up in bed in those first weeks...

She'll sleep on anything soft

Her all time favorite spot- cuddling with Daddy!

More sunbathing

She's always sleeping in our bed

Tormented by a tiny lizard on the outside of the window- this went on for about 20 minutes, poor thing!

So to our precious little T- just because there may be a couple new babies of the house soon, you'll always be our first child. And don't think that hiding under the bed can save you, either- they'll come and find you...

29 weeks and a little more down time!

2011-09-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

With this past Friday came my LAST day of full-time work in the office until I go back after the babies arrive. And what an amazing feeling it is. I'd say it was the perfect cap to a rough year of lots of work, lots of not working, and lots of trying to work way more than I should have...

My boss has been totally awesome and granted me the amazing gift of working from home part-time, so next week I'll go into the office three days and stay home in bed with my laptop two days. I had to off-board some very big things to other people this last week, so it got pretty busy with trying to transition it all. But yesterday went well, I think I got most of that transition taken care of, and...drumroll...my department threw me a surprise baby shower! It was so, so cute! They went all out, did a dessert potluck, and decorated the room to the nines. They had a couple of not-so-scary games and got us some amazing gifts. I feel really lucky! After all was said and done on Friday, I ended up staying at the office until about 6:45...and my ankles were ENORMOUS! Of course, I ate crap all day and didn't drink enough water.

I'm feeling so good about taking a little more down time. And we're feeling pretty set as far as baby stuff goes- I've been working my butt off to organize the nursery without overdoing it on my end. I keep a close eye on my ankles to let me know when it's time to lie down. They tell me pretty easily. Here are some pics of the baby things! Yay!

Oh man- that's a lotta clothes. But don't worry, it's not all 0-3 months or anything!

Folding and more folding- we'll see how long that lasts...

I doubt we're gonna need this many blankets...

I love all of our little monkey things! And of course my make-shift diaper caddy :)

Baby laundry is tough- everything is so tiny and folding/hanging it all took a lot more time than I thought it would. I'm in the process of doing a bit more baby laundry right now because B and I went to BRU last weekend for their clearance clothes sale and I let myself get a little out of control. :) Those little baby things are too much to pass up- and if I get something for our little man, I've got to get something for our little girl.

What else on the nursery front? We ended up getting these "travel lite" portable cribs for when the babies will be sleeping in our bedroom in the very beginning. We were gonna do full pack n' plays, but they're so big- two wouldn't work out well and I just didn't want them sleeping in one together for some reason. But these are super cute and fit perfectly in our bedroom. Plus- I think they'll be awesome for travelling.

Look how cute they are! TWO babies!!!

My office got us the double snap n go stroller (we already had one, so now I get to buy MORE cute baby things when we take it back- yay!). So I'm excited to put that to some good use once the babies arrive. I've heard it's so much easier with twins to just use this with the carriers rather than a full double stroller. We have a double stroller, too- but we'll use that later when they're not in their carriers all the time. This is the double we ordered (it just came in the mail today!!!), the seats can go in all directions which I like:

I have someone coming to give us a quote on curtains in the nursery and our guest room. We're taking care of both of them cuz my mom's gonna be staying with us off and on throughout the first couple of months, and the guest room blinds don't keep much sun out. I'm undecided what I want to do with the nursery window coverings...hopefully the lady who's coming to give us the quote can help me out. She did the rest of our house and I love it- so that's good.

They had to push our next appointment back a bit- so it's not until a week from this Monday. I hate waiting that long. So, so spoiled. But everything looked great at the last appointment, so we're still trucking right along. The FFN came back negative again- hopefully they stay put until right around our 37 week c-section. They're super active and kicking me all the time, so it helps me to know they're doing ok. We'll start having to be monitored two times per week soon...wow.

Breastfeeding class was pretty helpful. I think what I took away most was the "kangaroo care" talk! I'm so excited for kangaroo care (skin to skin with babies), I had no idea all of the documented benefits! I asked about twin kangaroo care so the teacher gave a little demo with two dolls- should be interesting. But B will be participating in our kangarooing too, so we'll be covered. :)

On the pregnancy front, things are getting a little touch and go. I'm nauseous again- not ANYTHING like before, good lord, but it's not my favorite. I'm still on Zof.ran once a day and Pro.tonix twice a day. My back is really starting to feel the brunt of this pregnancy though. I have to ask B for a quick back rub almost everyday. It just starts cramping up so bad sometimes- like it's spasming. I'm up about 30 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight, so that's a lot of extra load to carry on an already messed up back. Oh, and my hands hurt! This is a weird one. I've heard that pregnancy can induce carpal tunnel- I don't know if that's what I've got going on, but it just feels like I have wicked arthritis in my hands. I can hardly open water bottles anymore. I wake up in the middle of the night and one of my hands will be completely numb, which is pretty scary. During the day, it feels like I need to crack my knuckles all the time. Eh, it's not horrible or anything, I'll take this over hyperemesis anyday. It's just weird.

No stretch marks yet...still waiting for those to crop up. And still lathering the belly with anything I can get my hands on! This belly is large and in charge- I can't imagine another 7+ weeks and what that's gonna do. I try to spend some time in the pool still cuz it gets really heavy. I bought a belly support band, but it's sort of uncomfortable. I think I just need to lay down as much as possible. Here's a glimpse into 29 weeks with twins on a 6'1" frame...in a BIKINI! Oh yeah!

This was actually 28w4d. Large and in charge!

Back when I thought I was big at 23 weeks...haha! :)

Sleep on the other hand just isn't in the cards for me anymore. I get SO tired around 7:30 every night. I'm usually asleep by 8:30 (which is crazy early for me), but then I wake up every hour or two throughout the entire night. Finally around 5:30am I usually can't fall back asleep anymore. Not my favorite, but I guess it's preparing me for double time night feedings...

Sorry for such an excessive post- this past week has been crazy busy and I want to make sure to get all this down so I don't forget what's going on. Pregnancy brain attacks out of nowhere sometimes (usually in meetings with my higher-ups...). I'm getting SO anxious to meet these little ones- I don't want to wait! But I've got to keep them cooking- my goal is to make it over 35 weeks and if I can make it to our 11/02/2011 date, that's fabulous!

28 Weeks (pics and video!!!)

2011-09-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

I was so excited for this milestone...but somehow it sort of just passed and I'm moving right along. I don't know if that means that I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with the pregnancy and the outcome now or if maybe I'm just working too much to stop and really appreciate all that's going on. Hmm.

Went to the doctor yesterday and everything looks fabulous! We got a good long look at both luckies and they're growing right on schedule. Little Lady is measuring in at about 2 lbs 9 oz, around the 65 percentile. Big Bubba is still holding true to his nickname and weighing 2lbs 13oz. I didn't see what percentile that is...but it's higher than 65 :)

They were moving all over the place and we got a 3D pic of Bubba this time but not Lady, she was turned toward my back the whole time, wouldn't roll over. He, on the other hand, rolled around probably 3 times just during the ultrasound! The 3D pic looks sort of alien-like this time because there's a shadow on his nose and it makes him look like he doesn't have one...so I'm not gonna post that. I'll post the 2D profile pic (which definitely shows our little man does, in fact, have a nose- maybe even a big one ;)

I mean, look at that nose- and those LIPS! :) So cute. Big Bubba at 28 weeks.

I do know I was supposed to add the 3D pic of Lady from last visit- so here's that one:

Kinda hard to see, but Little Lady is sort of turned at an angle looking off to the side. Can you see her little mouth, nose, and eyes? 26 weeks

And instead of a standard belly pose for this week, I figured I'd show you my favorite part of this pregnancy, watching my little ones move around! There have actually been times when someone from across a room as shouted out "Oh MAN! I just saw your stomach jump like crazy!". That was at work. Awkward. But I liked it. This isn't the best video- they don't do it on command (yet, I'm working on training them...) ;) I just took it while I was sitting here typing. I added the little object to give you better perspective on their movements. There's some good jumps right at the beginning then in the middle, and then they stopped.

Please excuse the short-shorts. I'm still in my PJ's :) And I spared you my shirt- although I am somehow still wearing my favorite shirt of all time. It says "Say NO! to Drugs and Alcohol" like it's spray painted onto a brick wall...I got it in 3rd grade. No joke. I've kept it ever since and it's the softest shirt on this planet, has about 23 holes, and barely fits over my belly button right now. Sexy.

Doctor went over the fabulous news that at 28 weeks, survival rates are the same as full-term babies. She then proceed to tell us that at 32 weeks, complications are the same as full-term...which is awesome! I thought 32 week babies had a much higher risk of complications, so that's good to hear. We also found out that we'll be starting 2x per week monitoring at 32 weeks because the chance of stillbirth goes up for twins around there. I'm doing well though- my blood pressure was up just a bit but perfectly normal (122/72). Cervix is still long and closed. Should hear about the FFN today.

Then we had the "work" discussion. I've been struggling with work. Like I alluded to in the beginning of this post, I've started working a whole lot again. No, nothing like pre-pregnancy. But it's still too much for a twin mama at 28 weeks, for sure. I'm having a really hard time saying "No". I've taken on too much and now I'm having trouble getting it all done in my 8 hour day, so I end up staying late...cuz I have problems just not finishing the things I start. I blame my parents, they raised me that way :)

So I've been having more and more Braxton Hicks- yesterday morning while I was getting ready for work, I had 5 in 30 minutes. That's bad. Technically I should have called my doctor, but I knew they would just say "put your feet up, hydrate, rest..." and I also thought I'd wait to see how many I had in an hour, and they dropped off significantly in that second half hour. So I just went about my day. Not good. I don't want to stress out the little ones- it's not their fault I have problems calling in or not getting my work done. Oh, and I'm waking up in the middle of the night thinking about work...and then not being able to fall back asleep. Two days ago I woke up at 2:15am remembering things I needed to do...then couldn't go back to sleep. I was a wreck all day. (Luckily I went to bed at 7:30pm the night after that cuz I was sooo tired)

So I got a bit of a lecture yesterday by the doc. Hydrate more. Put your damn feet up. Learn to say no. You're going to have babies soon, what are you thinking? That sort of thing (of course in the sweetest way- she's the nicest doctor I've ever met). Yes, yes I know. So I proceeded to ask her about some sort of modified work schedule being prescribed to me, which she was of course perfectly happy to hear. She'll sign off on anything that gets me lying down more.

So I'm gonna talk to my boss today about it. Next week is a four day work week anyway. Then I think I'll drop down to 3 days a week after that (because if I do a shortened work day...I'll end up working almost a whole day...I just know it). Then probably move down to 2 days per week and then stop working around 32 or 33 weeks. This is my last chance at being the best "vessel" I can be- I'm not ever going to be pregnant again and I want to do my best at it. I'm not doing my best right now because I'm trying to give 100% to too many things. And that's not where my priorities should be.

I'm sure it will be a good convo with my boss today- she's been awesome the whole time. I just can't say no when she gives me things...even though she kind of gives me the side eye like "are you sure you can take this on?"...I just say yes and do it.

Ok, enough about that. The nursery is totally coming together (as far as organization is concerned). I've done some baby laundry which is just so adorable, but takes a whole lot of folding! Still need to get on that. The closet is pretty much cleaned out and organized. We put a storage bench in there so that's holding a lot of the things that don't need to be opened yet (that and our closet- I mean, there's no need to set up the high chairs yet. The little ones won't be able to sit up in those for a few months).

Breast feeding class is next week! B's Daddy Bootcamp was good- and no, they didn't just watch football. He actually took some notes cuz I told him I wanted details- love it! They practiced changing a diaper on a doll once or twice and talked about all kinds of things like sleep, the moms, post-partum depression... pretty good if you ask me.

Need to finalize the pediatrician asap...oh, and the daycare (kill me now). Can we say "procrastinator"?

27 Weeks!

2011-08-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

Our doctor told us that at 28 weeks, the survival rate is the same as full-term! That's a huge milestone (I honestly live one milestone to the next over here...I'm a goal oriented person). Of course, the complications would be a bit increased...but the survival rate is the same. So one more week until that huge goal is MET!

The babiesmoon was FAB! It was so terribly needed and we just loved it. I can't say that the amount of food I ingested in those two days was by any means necessary or healthy, but what's done is done and mama's stuffed. Delicious. We sat by the pool, I got some reading in, we lied around watching tv and just relaxing...bless.

Here are some more awkward headless photos so you can see the belly on our babiesmoon:

26w1d after our first way-too-big meal. Gotta take full advantage of the all-inclusive, right?? Mmmm!

On our way out of the resort after a Sunday afternoon by the pool! Lovely!

The resort was great and the lady who checked me in had actually had twins- so we got to talking, cuz that's what I do. She upgraded our room to one with a huge patio (which wasn't all that great with the heat and all...plus, I had a very maddening run-in with a ferocious mosquito one morning while B slept in...don't get me started...but it was nice to have) and it was a handicap room cuz they're bigger and she thought maybe I'd need the bars next to the toilet and by the bathtub...haha!

B drank some wine and got to relax without a to-do list which was totally needed for him. Poor guy is non-stop around here all the time, weeknights, weekends, you name it. He gets so much done, but I have to physically remove him from the opportunity of getting anything done for him to fully relax. ;) All in all, it was the perfect "last getaway" before the babies arrive. Which, by the way, is in less than 10 weeks- at the MOST! Crazy.

So here's a little sample of how rockstar B is in the to-do list category. We ordered our cribs and changing table/dresser back during the twin shopping spree of 2011 a couple weeks ago and they actually came in last week. We couldn't go get them until this Monday night, so B got a buddy of his to help pick them up (which took two trips even with my massive truck), they're huge! Well, on Tuesday night I came home from work and B had ALREADY put together one of the cribs! I cried when I came home and saw it. It was perfection, just the most amazing thing. Having a crib in the nursery was like this unicorn-like moment, something I just never knew would be a possibility...and there it was. I couldn't hold back the tears if I tried, and I didn't try. So, B spent the next hour or so putting together the SECOND crib (another big, big moment, yes- that's two cribs in our nursery, holy crap). Then we spent the next two hours trying to figure out the best layout in the room, which was pretty fun. Here are some pictures of our nursery thus far...only mid-progress...this isn't finished or even final. We're working it out though, and I can't wait to take pictures of the final product. But mostly, I can't wait to show the Luckies what Daddy did. :)

From the doorway looking in. One pink, one blue :)

The combo changing table/dresser. We ordered "chestnut" finish, I'd say these are pretty "cherry" if you ask me. But they're beautiful!

From the other corner of the room. Yay Diaper Genie!!! This is Bubba's crib- B said he needs to be closer to the door so he can protect his sister. :)

And Little Lady's crib is by the window. We'll probably put the glider in that empty corner there by the (massive) closet. Still need to figure out what type of window coverings I want to do...and then it's on to actually decorating! We've got big plans for the walls and then maybe a cute rug in the middle of the room...lots to do still!

I'm loving life right now. Sleep is almost non-existent nowadays, I wake up every hour or so (I keep waking up on my back, I don't know why I can't just stay on my side), but I'm feeling pretty good. My back is starting to hurt and you should have seen my ankles last night after we went out to dinner with some friends straight from work. My body got mad at me for not lying down like I usually do right after work, I guess. The belly is ever-growing and the Luckies are still super active, which I adore!

B goes to New Daddy Bootcamp tonight, so I'm really excited to hear what they do there for three hours. There's a part of me that thinks this is all a big lie and the guys get together and just watch pre-season football or something... ;) I've heard really good things about this class- that the guys come back knowing WAY more than their wives do about how to take care of a newborn. I'm ready for B to teach me a thing or two.

I'm doing a breastfeeding class the first week of September. I'm looking forward to that because my anxieties about breastfeeding twins are definitely growing. We bought the Med.ela Freestyle pump (whoa expensive) but my insurance is flippin awesome and we get reimbursed $250 for a breast pump, so that's helpful.

What else? Oh- doctor told me that twin moms rarely work full-time past 32 weeks. I wasn't anticipating that early for some reason, so I've chatted with my boss and sped up my "transition plan" a bit so I can be out of there (at least on a full-time basis) by the end of September at the latest with no worries. That'll give me my last month of pregnancy to relax a bit more and maybe get some stuff done around the house...if I'm not a house myself (or on bed rest or something). But all is looking really good so far. Blood pressure is still very much in check, cervix is closed, my last FFN came back negative again so no preterm labor in the next week or so :) We get to see and measure the Luckies again next Thursday. Can't wait to see how big they're getting!!! Love.

Success!

2011-08-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

Thank you thank you thank you for the lovely recommendations! We're off tomorrow for the 'moon, can't wait! I'm looking forward to a couple good books, some time in the pool, some good relaxation- maybe in a warm tub, and my B! (and throw in some thank you cards for good measure if I'm feelin' it)

I just had to update to say that we got to see the kids again today! I love these days! They both look beautiful- growing, growing. We didn't take measurements, that'll be next time, but all looks well. We even got a 3D pic of little lady cuz she just happened to turn right before the end to show her lovely profile...an apparently at this point they'll throw in the 3D images if they think they can get a good shot. She's so cute and not too alien-like at all (those 3D images look a lil creepy sometimes). You can really see her little lips and her cute nose! Other than that, it was a standard appointment. Had the FFN test again, should hear tomorrow how it went (I had a lot of Braxton Hicks yesterday...I think I was dehydrated the day before and it caught up to me, so I was a bit worried). Cervix is still very much closed and I'm always happy to hear that.

Finally- the best news ever at this appointment...I PASSED the gestational diabetes test!!! I was so worried...and it's not like I passed with flying colors or anything. Get this- the cut off is 130 to have to take the 3 hour test (which I was so dreading)...and I got a 129! BOOYAH! I feel like I cheated or something, and I love it.

...I celebrated by stopping and grabbing some sour candies and a bag of peanut m&m's on the way home...nice One Day, nice.

My iron levels were a bit low, so the instructions are to eat more meat and spinach and stuff...and did you know that getting some vitamin C along with your iron helps you absorb it more? Yeah, meat and oranges don't sound great to everyone but bring it on.

I hope everyone has a fab weekend!

Babiesmoon Planning Updated...

2011-08-18T04:49:00.000-07:00

I know, I get it. I've got no clue either what to do (which I know isn't really a bad problem to have here). So here are some more pointed questions:

1. What's a really super good book that you're digging on right now- and not one that will help me keep a baby (or two) alive. I need a break from the "mommy guides" and just want a book I can get lost in for a bit as B sleeps (notice that I'm writing this in the wee hours of the morning...woke up at 3:30am today, can't get back to sleep. Boo.)

2. For those who take warm baths, am I missing anything here? Before the Luckies, I used to take hot, hot, hot baths and loved them. But that's a no-no now- so how do we feel about luke-warm baths? Is it lovely? Should I try it?

3. Writing thank you cards on your babymoon. Yes or no? Need to do it...this might be a good time...

Ready...GO! ;)

Babiesmoon Planning

2011-08-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

I have probably a bajillion things I could write about- trying to desperately feel ok with choosing a daycare, figuring out how we're going to work our very much twosome house into a baby paradise, gestational diabetes testing (did the one hour test and that drink really wasn't that bad- I was all worried for nothing)...the list goes on. But instead, I'm going to ask you all a very, very important question.

What should we do during our babymoon weekend?

We have our all-inclusive resort package that includes breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We'll be there from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. I have my preggo bikini. But what else?

I can't very well spend the entire day out at the pool- it's 115 degrees here. I'd cook our offspring. I can't plan any cool hikes or get all excited about using the gym (what's a gym again?).

Additionally, I wake up at 5am on far too many days to say that it won't happen on our vacation. B wakes up at 10am on far too many days to say that it won't happen on our vacation (ok, ok...more like 9am- he doesn't sleep in that much anymore). So what shall I do with those 4 hours of alone time (where I usually jump on the interwebs or hit up some of my gnarly tv guilty pleasures...)? I don't want to wake up my B, it's his vacation, too.

So- thoughts? I would love to say I'll plan to go to the spa- but we just spent thousands of dollars on baby furniture and "accessories"... and we're going to a five-star resort...you know what those spa prices are going to be. I wonder if they have any "I'm broke cuz we just had a twin shopping spree" discounts...

Ok- so throw me your thoughts. Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeease?!?!

Shopping and WINE party! (pics)

2011-08-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

No, not the wine party I'll be having in my hospital bed as soon as the luckies have been evacuated...the wine party my parents threw for us as an afterparty to the shower. It was pointed out that I so completely forgot to add the amazingness of that portion of our beautiful day to my last post about the Best.Shower.EVER. Now, I don't have any photos of the wine party cuz everyone was far too focused on boozing it up and having a fabulous time to think about taking pics of the unbelievable spread and all the lovely people (no, I wasn't boozing it up, but I was lying down for the majority of the party and making everyone come see me and chat with me cuz I'm a sleepy little girl and mah feet hurt all the time). :) But here's some mental images (with a little help from google images)

B looked like this all day cuz he was helping my Dad, my brother, and a friend K set up for this wonderous festivity (alright, let's be honest boys- you know Dad did most of the work):

(No, that's not B- B's arms are WAY bigger and he's way cuter- but when I googled "strong man mover" I got a bunch of gross images of huge men with bulging veins carrying boulders...)

And then, after coming to help pack up all of our (totally amazing and really unnecessarily generous) gifts from the shower, he definitely deserved a little party time! And do you remember the house cleaning of the week before?? He earned a good time! So he started to look a little more like this:

B does NOT have a goatee (although I like when he grows the full beard out...). But his eyes do get pretty squinty like that when the drinks start flowing...

But, he never got to this stage...

...so don't worry.

The food was immaculate! We had invited all of the "significant others" of those who came to the shower to join us at the afterparty. B also invited some additional friends to come who I don't know as well. Everyone seemed to thoroughly enjoy the food...but really the focus was on the vino, let's be honest. My Papa knows how to throw a wine party (he's done this a time or two before...) and he knows how to buy his wine, people. I mean, I miss that luscious wine.

This is similar to what our tables looked like at the wine party (but ours were way better)- and plenty of people loved hovering and tasting all of the deliciousness...

But not nearly as much as they loved hovering around this area:

So I drank some sparkling lemonade out of a wine glass so as to not feel too left out ;) and ate probably three huge plates of food (the pulled pork sandwiches were amazing, the chips and dips were really catching my attention, but that chocolate cake was to die for! Oh- and chocolate covered acai berries??? yes, please) all while my girl L continuously brought me more water to make sure I was hydrating!

I think my favorite part about the whole thing was getting to let some of my friends and families feel the babies put on a show. Our friend M actually got to feel hiccups!! And my Grammy got some good kicks, too. I loved it- their faces would light up like mine does every time.

Thank you Mom and Dad for capping that amazing day off with perfection!

Now, the shopping is a little less drunken, a little less delicious, and a whole lot more anxiety ridden (at least for B and I)...

I have spent the last couple of weeks creating a baby item spreadsheet (here I go again trying to beat B at his own game), on which I spent the last couple of days checking off items that we had received from the shower or from hand-me-down gloriousness. But yesterday was "the day". We had decided that a) I was getting too anxious to let the nursery remain in its disassembled state for much longer and b) who knows how much longer I'll be able to be of much help to B so it was time to do our (drumroll) PURCHASING!

I woke up way too early yesterday (read 4:30am) because of the annoyingly loud thunder and got started on my final price comparisons. I compared prices for pretty much all of our items (over 100 of them on the list...) at BRU, Buy Buy. Baby, Tar.get, Walm.art, and Cost.co. Then B woke up and came in to help me compare prices on Am.azon (cuz he's the amazon guru and I stay far, far away from his mad skills in this arena). It was a bit of a chore, but we found a TON of good deals on Amazon for things we already knew we wanted and hooked them up (I mean, $20, $30, sometimes even $50 cheaper than the other stores). We found a couple of things at Tar.get that we swung by and grabbed as well (not much was cheaper there though).

We considered our discounts at the different locations- and gift cards as well. We were doing our "registry completion" day at BRU, so that meant that we got 15% of any item we were buying (in that one shopping trip) that we had registered for, plus they offer a 10% twin discount on big items if you buy two!!! BUT, we also considered that Ama.zon doesn't charge tax (9% discount pretty much) and we get 3% cash back on Am.azon as well... so the comparisons were intense and involved a calculator which I think is really cute- we went nerd mode yesterday!

We ended up still spending a ton of money, but we got a TON of stuff. Our office looks like a hoarder's paradise now and I've got quite the job ahead of me in organizing all this stuff into the nursery (but B's got the much harder job of putting it all together, bahahaa!)

So that's our update. We're rocking out 25w3d today and hoping to jump in the pool at some point cuz all that shopping has made my back feel like it did back in the old days (I had back surgery when I was in college) and my feet feel a little extra-swollen. Here are some belly shots from the wine party to hold you over until I can throw another preggo bikini shot up here (you're so excited, I know). And don't forget, next weekend is BABIESMOON!!! Can'twaitcan'twaitcan'twait!

24w2d!

Our whole family of four! My B can hardly fit his arms around me, now!

Me and my mama (and the luckies, too)!

This was seriously hysterical. My Dad does NOT have a big belly. My Dad doesn't have a belly at all- he's way too in shape to be a "Papa", really. But he was getting a little jealous of all my belly action! ;)

The Best Baby Shower Of All Time

2011-08-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

No, seriously. I'm not messing around here. This was, in fact, the best baby shower EVER. I remember before we were seeing REs I would look at baby shower pictures online from the professionals if you will- I loved all of the cute little themes- the details. I remember looking at pictures of fabulous showers in the early parts of this pregnancy, feeling a little guilty like I wasn't quite there yet- like I didn't want to jinx it. I would admire the cute little baby things, the smiling faces. I hoped that I'd be able to be in some pictures like that one day, maybe soon.

Those pictures I admired had beautiful details, but not one stood up to the amazing work that my sister-in-law, my best friend, and my mom put together for my baby shower this weekend. Not one came even close. Yes, I know- just the fact that I even got a baby shower probably makes me slightly biased...but it really was amazing. They did such an incredible job thinking of everything! And it was all a surprise- I knew nothing about what it would look like or what we would do. It all exceeded even my wildest dreams!

Thank you N, J, and Mom! I couldn't have had a more beautiful day.

My sister-in-law had changed out all of her framed pictures to add pics of B and I and of the Luckies ultrasounds! I cried when I walked in and saw them- the thought that was put in to every detail was overwhelming.

These were a gift from sister-in-law!

My best friend made one of my favorite beverages! Ocean Water (from Sonic)! And it matched the pink and blue theme of course.

They don't only think of everything, but they're all amazing chefs too! N made these delish chocolate dipped marshmallows (pink and blue, don't forget!)

Especially for my strawberry shortcake urge!

J, my best friend, actually made this ice cream cone stand onesie for the occasion! She's so handy (with a little help from some friends) Totally delicious mini cupcakes filled the ice cream cones, and surprise m&m's too!

Love all of the pink and blue details throughout the house!

Mom had an AWESOME idea to do a scrapbooking activity instead of the (sometimes awkward) traditional baby shower games. Everyone made two scrap book pages, one for Little Lady and one for Big Bubba, so we can fill them up once the little ones arrive! I'm SO excited (and not just because I don't need to make a scrap book now...)

The tables were all prepared with tons of fun scrap booking materials!

The finished products were perfection, serious perfection!

I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect. I will never forget this day; I will cherish it for the rest of my life.

Thoughts

2011-08-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

I am spaghetti. I think of a thousand thoughts all at once (and usually try to do at least 5 things at once in any given moment). My thoughts, emotions, and actions all intertwine and co-exist day in and day out. Others, like my B, are more like waffles. He has his compartments and each compartment stays separate. They must stay separate. I'm guessing that waffles can sleep better than spaghetti. I woke up this morning with a thousand and one thoughts starting to stream through my head...it was 5am. I could not fall back asleep. So here I am.

1. I went to my first Moms of Multiples meeting last night. It was glorious!!! A co-worker who I really didn't know besides passing by her from time to time reached out to me when she heard I was having twins and invited me to the local "chapter". I am so glad. I promptly signed up to be a member- $25 per year for tons of advice, resources, and camaraderie! Love! They have a library that they bring along to each of their monthly meetings as well so I checked out "The Happiest Baby on the Block" last night- we'll see how that is. I'm still finishing up "Babywise" and finding that pretty insightful. But I need more twin books cuz, y'all, breastfeeding two babies just can't be the same as one... Anyway- there were FOUR other ladies who are within 4 weeks from my due date at the meeting last night. We were all lined up in the front row of the meeting with our bellies out in full force (I'm tied for the furthest along and I have the smallest belly cuz I'm like a foot taller than all of them...). I got phone numbers and email addresses and plans to see them again in a month. :)

2. I have been plotting the necessary cleaning tasks that will need to take place before this weekend for about a week now. I told B that I really want to try to do a lot of it myself cuz he's been doing so much more of the cleaning than me. I did say that I can't do the litter box and the surrounding area- that's his task for at least another few months...but I promised him that I was going to do most of the rest (vacuuming, mopping, laundry, dusting...). I planned on doing most of this tonight before L's flight gets in. Well- I got home from my MOMs meeting last night around 9:15 with a bag of Chik-fil-a for B thinking I'm such an awesome wife for grabbing him some fast food for dinner....and the ENTIRE HOUSE was immaculately SPOTLESS!!!! Like, not a normal cleaning, people. B went room by room, crevice by crevice, cleaning every last inch of any type of surface (including the hidden ones). He did 5 loads of laundry, including our bed sheets, the guest room bed sheets, towels, and THE BATHROOM RUGS! He cleaned the floors, dusted everything...he edged the entire house! He even took a vacuum to the infamous "cat chair" in our living room that's always covered in grey fur that just couldn't possibly come out- well, I was wrong. B can get it out! He fluffed pillows, he vacuumed closets...

I cried.

3. My girl, L, gets here TONIGHT! I feel like I need to buy a clock for the guest room- wouldn't it be awful to sleep in a guest room with no way of telling what time it is? I don't know why I haven't realized that until now, as we've had plenty of people stay in our guest room. See, this is why I'm spaghetti. And this is why spaghetti doesn't always work- I move onto the next thought that is intertwining and never buy the damn clock I needed to buy...

4. I've picked out my outfit for the shower on Saturday, but I want to get some new fun jewelry to spice it up...and maybe some new shoes. I spent like $8 on the outfit about a month ago...so I figure it's better to spend money on shoes and jewelry than maternity clothes...it'll last longer.

5. I'm starting to feel some stretching type pains on my belly skin. Uh oh. Lather, lather, lather!!!

6. A friend of mine from college is just a few weeks behind my due date with a beautiful little baby boy after having a rough time getting here. She suffered two miscarriages so of course we were both very cautiously optimistic together when we discovered we'd both gotten pregnant. Well, she called and left me a message a few days ago that she was having a ton of braxton hicks and asking if I'd experienced that (and said she was headed to the doc cuz they wanted to check her out). I called her back that night and left a message that I wasn't really sure but I think I've had a few here and there...but that us cautious ones just have to check into everything just in case- and that's a good thing. Well, it's been a few days and I haven't heard from her and she's not answering her phone...and I'm worried. Really, really worried. I'm sure it's fine and she's just busy, but ya know?

7. I didn't drink enough water yesterday and I get paranoid about that. I drank some Sprite, and some lemonade, and some grapefruit juice, and a little water too...but not much. Do you think the babies notice? Do you think they get mad?

8. I can't stop staring at my belly at work and smiling. It moves all over the place and I just want to stop every meeting I'm in to say "wait- look! Look, they're jumping!" I have to remember that no one else cares about my fetuses movement patterns...especially in the middle of a presentation on our weekly forecasting reports...

9. People in my office have started regularly commenting on my ability to take down large quantities of food. They back pedal by saying "it's just so different since you didn't eat anything the first trimester..." but the damage is done people. You're gonna give me a complex. Leave me alone, I'm STARVING! ;)

10. The only thing that isn't completely and utterly organized (and totally beautiful) in our house right now is the "nursery" if you can call it that. It's our storage room. We have all the stuff that we haven't been able to sell from the guest room in there (the mattress, a couple lamps, and a storage bench) as well as the hand-me-down baby awesomeness we've gotten from people. I think tonight I'm gonna just move all of it to one corner of the room so we have a place to put any more stuff we get- right now it's a little dangerous for me to walk in there... there's no path. A coworker of mine bought us three little onesies yesterday with zippers- two that are preemies! We didn't have any preemie stuff yet and it's teeeeensy and so cute. I needed to hang it in the nursery closet with the other few outfits...and I almost ate it while stepping around the stroller and in between the two lamps...

Ok- I'm gonna go force B to wake up and hang out with me before we both have to go to work. So excited that it's Friday! And it's a GREAT Friday!!!

VIABILITY! (u/s pics)

2011-08-04T07:44:00.000-07:00

We've made it to viability! This feels really amazing- truly. I know that we've been planning for babies for a while now, we've been picking out nursery furniture and taking pictures of this growing belly, all while getting to know our beautiful offspring from the outside in with their kicks and hiccups. But still, to this day, I wasn't sure it would ever happen. Today feels different. Like I can move forward without looking back every step to make sure I wasn't overstepping my bounds.

We had an appointment yesterday and got to see the Luckies again! They're growing great. Little Lady is measuring in at 1lb 8oz, and Big Bubba is 1lb 10 oz. I can't believe how big they're getting! We had the new u/s tech yesterday and I didn't like her too much...she couldn't get any profile pictures of their faces so all she gave us were gender shots...which I don't mind having more lovely evidence of Bubba's bits if you will...but I'm sad that she couldn't give us some more. We did get some good chances to see our little ones though, even if we didn't get pics. It was so cute- Bubba was completely folded- he had his legs stretched straight out over the top of his head! I don't know how they do that...I'm impressed already ;) Both babies are breech right now- doc is still very much leaning toward c-section for us. We picked a date today for the LAST day I'll be pregnant- 11/02/2011! :) She really thinks we'll make it that far. My cervix is apparently fabulous right now- long and closed. Had my first manual cervical check of the pregnancy- not too bad (I was worried it would hurt more than non-preggo exams, but no, not at this point). They did the swab to check for risk of pre-term labor in the next couple of weeks- I'll hear about that today but doc had no worries.

The doc was very pleased with where we're at- how we're all growing and gaining. She was also pleased with our progress in getting ready for the babies to be here. I told her about the classes and the visit with the pediatrician. We also talked about our hesitancy with the daycare situation and how we haven't picked one yet...that's a story for a whole other post unfortunately (it's just me and my paranoia...and feeling like no one is good enough...ugh).

I told her about my weird new symptom of trouble taking a deep breath when I wake up. I'm not short of breath at all like I thought I'd be (and I'm sure I'll be soon enough) but it feels tight like I have bronchitis or asthma (I had asthma as a kid). I'm not wheezing though. We decided if it gets a lot worse then maybe I'll try an inhaler but I'm fine with it now as long as it's not dangerous.

We also talked about the gestational diabetes test and I got the order to go get that done. I'm nervous. I have a really, really good feeling that I'm gonna fail and I just don't want to. I don't want to have to worry and monitor my carbs and my sugar. I know it's best, it's smart. I just hope that something changed and I'm miraculously gonna do AWESOME on it. Positive thinking!

Then- the best part- my company offers ergonomic chairs if you have a doctor's note. I've been sitting in my chair at the office up to this point and totally hating every minute of it but feeling like a wuss. But I decided the other day that screw this- I have plenty reason to get an ergonomic chair. I'm not sure what the "features" are, but a little extra lumbar support would be real nice. And maybe some additional cushioning around the bum area- my tail bone literally feels like it's broken sometimes. It's all good if I'm not sitting for more than 20 minutes. But if I need to sit there for any length of time, ouch. SO- we're getting the "special" chair. My doc was like "Of course- I write scripts for anything!" YAY!

AND THEN- she brought up a handicapped parking pass. I hadn't even considered. Honestly. I waddle past the spots slowly as I'm walking from the back of the overly full parking lot in 115 degree weather thinking "that'd be nice" from time to time, but I hadn't really considered that it'd ever be an option. She said that at 6 months preggo with twins- it's definitely an option. I don't think I'd ever use it anywhere but my office, but it'd be totally sweet at work since we have too many cars and not enough spaces... so, she hooked a sister up! I feel slightly awkward about it and a little guilty. There are plenty more people who need a handicap spot way more than me. If there's ever only one left, I promise I won't take it!!! I have to go down to the DMV to get it, so I'm sure that'll be put off for another several weeks (does anyone actually like the DMV?). But it lasts for 6 months so she pointed out that it can come in REAL handy after a c-section with twins as well... bonus!

One of my favorite ladies is coming to visit this weekend and I'm SO excited!!! B and I need to clean the house a bit, but my nesting (and B's cleanliness and general awesomeness) has helped keep it mildly organized so it shouldn't be too much. But the SHOWER is this weekend and I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here are the money shots for 24weeks because eh, why not?!

Blurry but this is Little Lady's bum! :) 23w6d

Big Bubba's a BOY! Can you see it? hahaha

Our poor, poor children. I'm fairly certain there are parents out there who won't put pictures of their kids "gender shots" in utero up on the interwebs for their privacy and whatnot. I guess I'm not one of those parents. I mean, c'mon. They're in utero! I'm sure once they've grown up and I let them read their story they'll be GLAD to see this. Right? Right? Hey not-so-little-ones! You know you love your mama! And I'm sure this is one of the lesser embarrassing things I've done to you...

23 Weeks...and flaunting the preggo bikini?!?! (pics)

2011-07-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

Oh yes- we've made it to 23 weeks and I've decided that it's my blog so if you don't want to see the preggo bikini- it's about time you get up and go. Cuz this belly is out in full force!

B and I have implemented a new ritual of "pool time" almost every evening after he gets done working out. Did I mention that along with his new found need to do all of our home improvement projects inside, he also built a gym in our garage that's pretty awesome! But, of course, it's billions of degrees here and the garage is no exception (and honestly a little hotter cuz it just steams in there). So after work he gets home and then musters up the energy and courage to go attempt a workout in the sauna that is his new gym (he didn't want to keep our gym membership because 1. it was way, way too expensive even though I loved it 2. I wasn't using it at.all. and 3. he wanted to be home more when the babies come and not trying to trek out to the gym and leaving the family for long periods of time to get a workout- he's so thoughtful!!!) After about 45 minutes, he'll blow back through the door into our house looking like he's literally 5 minutes away from heat stroke and heads straight for the back door. At which point, I put on my BIKINI!!! Yeah- the one I bought at the regular non-maternity store that really shouldn't be worn by anyone even considering being pregnant let alone a twin preggo lady. Love it! I got it a size too big so the ladies fit...but it's not pretty by any means. Eh, it gets the job done. And I LOVE being the in pool. I was super paranoid at first cuz, ya know, you're not allowed to submerge yourself in any water for a little while after IVF so I figured that means bad things could happen at any point- it took me a little while to get over that. I think I was 20 weeks before I would "submerge"- it's been only showers for me. But now I'm seriously angry for not taking advantage sooner. It feels so good on my back to have the pressure off for a bit- and when I'm getting that "baby kicking you in the cervix" pain, it really helps.

Um...pretty? 23weeks!

Hey there Luckies!

So what else is going on with us? Well, VERY exciting news! We got some hand-me-downs that are fabulous! My favoritein this moment? This beautiful single stroller.

Awwww! B's so cute with the stroller!!!

A single stroller? Yes, I know- we're having two babies. B and I debated back and forth about whether we would need a single stroller and whether it'd be worth the money and yada yada. Well, we sort of decided no, probably not worth the money. But then, a friend of ours who has twins (we don't know too many people IRL who have twins) said they got a single stroller, used it a few times but rarely, and would totally give it to us. SUHWEET!

Um- what else? Babies are the size of (very) large papayas! And we're less than a week away from the VIABILITY milestone! This is a big one people. I mean, just to think- that at that point, we could have something not so good happen and still have the hopes of taking home our babies! Oh my goodness- it's all just so surreal. Don't worry, I'm working on cooking these little ones for at least another few months if there's anything I can possibly do about it!

Our birthing and breathing class is going well. Two sessions down, one more to go. We talked about C-sections and what to expect with the actual hospital stay. So that was good to see. Two more gnarly videos thankyouverymuch, but it is what it is.

Oh- and I'm still obsessed with strawberry shortcakes. This is a GIGANTIC bowl with two shortcakes and an entire packet of strawberries...and just a lot of whipped cream. A. lot.

Bless.

Babiesmoooooooooooooooon and Nesting?

2011-07-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

I am so so so excited that B and I just booked reservations for our little babymoon (babiesmoon for us)! :) We decided we will be staying very close to home- no traveling out of state...or out of city for that matter. But I found an "all inclusive" package at a local 5-star that we've never stayed at and in our city, the summer time deals are wicked awesome. So we booked it up! PLUS- B got me a gift certificate to this resort for a spa treatment a while ago and I haven't used it yet- so we'll put that toward the cost (I'd rather hang with him than get a massage anyday...ok, maybe hang with him WHILE getting a massage would win out). So the price included breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for our two night stay- which is good for a preggo lady like me since I eat like a champ right now! We're going the third weekend in August which is just lovely cuz I won't be too ginormous by then hopefully, although the rapid growth has picked up this last week.

I found myself in a bit of a new place for this pregnancy yesterday. I've explained to y'all that I'm not the organized one in my marriage. B takes that role, and he does splendid at it. And I'm pretty damn good at being messy- all is right with the world (not if you ask B...but...). I've also explained to y'all that I've been pretty sick for this pregnancy, right? Did you know that? Lots of puking, lots of IV fluids, ringing any bells? Well- I didn't do ANYTHING around the house during that horrible time and I haven't really done much of anything since cuz I started back at work and then I'm just so tired and worn out...well, anyway- something snapped yesterday. I knew I needed to do laundry- it had been like 5 months (I've done a teensy bit here and there for the things I needed but I've had piles of laundry in my closet for literally 5 months...I kept it out of the way so no one would notice...). So I started sorting laundry. Then I realized that my closet shelves were very disorganized, so I started organizing those. Then I realized that my clothes weren't organized in a condusive way to me finding my preggo friendly ensembles, so I started organizing all my clothes...well, I ended up totally reorganizing my entire closet, including 6 loads of laundry, and now it ALMOST looks as organized as B's side!! Is this nesting? I had to stop every 30 minutes or so to rest and put my feet up cuz I'd start to get cramps or whatever- I was going at it for real- but I couldn't stop until the job was done. B helped me with my laundry, too, cuz he loves me that much. And I'm cute and he can't resist my pleas.

I've also found two or three more little projects that I want to get organized as well. Here's B's favorite: We have a stash of VHS tapes. Does anyone else have a stash of VHS tapes remaining from the "good ol' days" or is that just me? B hates it. I can't give it up. First, there may be a tiny bit of sentimental attachment there...but mostly I'm just afraid that if I give up my one and only copy of "Free Willy" I'll never get the DVD or Blu Ray and then what if I absolutely NEED to watch that beautiful whale soar? What will I do? B enters his quick witted responses here regularly- Netflix, buy the dvd for like $2 cuz it's Free Willy for god's sake....whatevs. His final response is that we actually no longer have a functioning VHS player anywhere in the house. I've been hoarding my old VHS/DVD combo player for (insert ridiculous number of years here) and now he claims that all of our fancy shmancy tvs aren't compatible. Hmph. So, my new project is to go through my blessed stash and find all of the tapes that I absolutely MUST have and then challenge B to find them for super cheap. I personally think that it's going to be a bit of an expensive endeavor- he thinks we'll find all of these DVDs for dirt cheap. Um...some are Disney classics mister- there's this vault, I don't know if you've heard of it...

Let the best man win (or the preggo lady, cuz I deserve it).

22 Weeks

2011-07-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

1. Visiting daycares is going well. We didn't have a wonderful experience with the Kin.dercare that's closest to us. I know all of the Kin.dercares are different- I grew up going to church inside of one that seemed much more open and playful- this one felt really dungeon-like and we didn't love the staff as much as I'd hoped we would. We still kept it on the list because it was the first daycare we had been to and I've heard plenty of good things about Kin.dercare, but didn't really have great feelings about it. Then yesterday we went to Tu.tor Ti.me and it felt a lot better! The staff was my favorite part there, which I think is a really good thing. Both of these are almost identical in cost, but Tu.tor Ti.me seemed a little more flexible on schedules thus allowing for a bit of a lower price for us. The only downfall I saw compared to Kin.dercare was that they didn't have two separate infant rooms- one for non-mobile babies and one for mobile babies. I thought that was a great idea. But it seemed to be working well without it. We stayed for a while and just talked to the two ladies who work in the infant room and watched the babies to see what would happen. Everyone was really happy and playful and organized- crucial in my book. However, with the costs being pretty high, we decided to do a little research into the daycare right across from B and my office- La P.etite A.cademy. (I had heard it was wicked expensive so I hadn't even checked into it). Turns out, it's a teensy bit cheaper than the others and I love,love,love that it's right next to the office. We're going today to check it out. Oh- and with both Tu.tor Ti.me and La Pet.ite they have a 10% off for the second baby deal. Haha- a BOGO for babies!

2. We went to our first prenatal class yesterday!!! It was supposed to be from 6:30pm-9:30pm, yikes...but only lasted until 8:30. And, true to classic form, we watched a video of a live birth. The birth video wasn't anything that B and I hadn't seen via high school health class or, honestly, on tv. BUT- they showed the placenta delivery! I'd never seen that and WHOA. Not pretty, people. Not pretty. The best part about the video was that the doctor then took the placenta in a bucket up to the head of the bed and proceeded to "check it out" (which honestly just looked like playing with it) right next to mom's head as she was sort of looking on in disgust and sort of trying to get her newborn to latch...it was hysterical. Right after the video, our nurse teacher asked if there were any questions and a guy in the front raised his hand immediately and asked if the doctors seriously take the placenta in a bucket up to show mom and dad at the head of the bed. Ha. Good question, bro. And I was pleased to find that no, that's not standard practice (except the bucket part sorta is). Even though I'm sure my science teacher mom would love to have a glimpse. Sorry mom, not gonna happen. Gnarly. The rest of the class we talked about pre-term labor, the stages of labor, contractions, etc. It's called "Birth Basics and Breathing" and we'll go two more times (Wednesdays) for three hours each. B thinks its a little silly since there's a really good chance we're doing a c-section but he's also down with my need to be prepared just in case (and a girl can hope, can't she?). Next week we'll talk about pain management (the drugs!), the details about what to expect before and after in the hospital, and C-sections! So there, I'm doing my due diligence on all fronts. The last class is when we'll talk about breathing and comfort techniques. That's when we bring the pillow and get on the floor and all that I guess (yes, I'm the only one who brought a pillow last night because I wasn't sure when we were supposed to and I felt like an idiot). Oh- and I love that B and I are sorta "special" with the whole twin thing. They went around and everyone had to say their name, due date, and whether it was a boy or girl so they could tally up the team representation. After we walked in 5 minutes late (no parking and I'm just late everywhere) and had to sit in the front, it was immediately our turn so I said we're technically due Thanksgiving day and it's twins- a boy and a girl! Everyone sort of gasped a bit and I said "we're on both teams" and got lots of laughs. If you know me, you know I kind of loved that.

3. Still haven't scheduled the next pediatrician appointment. Meim left me a really great comment on my last post about her pediatrician and how they're not so good with parents but really, really good with kids/diagnostics (I guess the most important things...I guess) ;) It was a great point and I wasn't really thinking about that too much...but I've had so many awesome surgeons and diagnosticians in my life who just suck at that bedside manner thing- I should have known better. But I'm such a rookie at all this... I'm gonna have to get over my fears and pick the best doctor rather than the one I want to hug more. Oh- and I LOVE reading what amanda claire writes in my comments about the crazy differences between the US and the UK. Sometimes I forget that I'm not the center of the universe...I can admit that. (And if you know me, you're chuckling right now at the truth in that statement) But it's crazy to think of the vast differences in this same life experience based on geography...but then the similarities as well.

4. I'm swelling. It's not horrific or anything, yet. I'm a little worried though- because I wasn't taking my baby aspirin like I was supposed to (bad One Day) and now I'm wondering if I can save myself from the pre-eclampsia monster that attacks so many twin mamas. I'm sure it's nothing- I'm just gonna mention it at my ultrasound appointment today and see what she says. It's just my feet and hands right now so really nothing to worry about, plus it's like 400 degrees outside so B's swelling too, I'm sure. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate- I know.

5. I'm gaining rapidly! And growing rapidly! I'm officially up 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight! That's a 25 pound weight gain if you look at my lowest during the pregnancy (only about 9 weeks ago- wow). I'll be doing the gestational diabetes test in a couple weeks- I'm slightly scared. I eat EVERYTHING now. I'm craving Icee's all the time (it's 400 degrees, shut up) but I haven't gotten one yet. My lowest point was that Ar.by's situation from about a week ago...I still never got my damn cherry turnover. But I do crave salads from time to time so that's good, right? I eat a ton of starchy and sugary foods though. But technically, I've still got some gaining to go, even if you're looking at my weight gain on an overall number. I'm supposed to get to 40-50lbs of weight gain from my pre-pregnancy weight before little ones arrive. I just need to do it a little smarter, I think. But I want an ICEE!

6. My lactose intolerance came back. I hadn't really noticed too much, but it was sort of hiding there for a while. I had tried a couple ice creams or a milkshake here and there and wasn't super sick afterward. Then, all of a sudden- any bit of milk or ice cream is sending me into a horrible tail spin of cramps and not so fun times in the bathroom. Now, this means that things are moving a little better than they were before which I guess is good...but probably not really. This is a gross bullet, sorry.

7. BABY SHOWER! Have I mentioned my excitement? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

8. B bought a book about baby brain development and read half of it in like 5 minutes...and loves it. I love him. He was reading it last night during So You Think You Can Dance (which, if you haven't watched needs to become a regular part of your entire family's routine...immediately) and telling me the "crucial" parts cuz I don't read anymore- ha. But of course it went deep into the devastating effects having a child will have on marriage. Let alone two. We talked a bit about our "plan" and how we are committed to supporting one another in front of our kids and talking it out behind closed doors if there's a disagreement. I know that'll get hard sometimes and I'm sure there will be some "rule breaking" that will come- we're only human. But my parents did such a great job with that- the united front. I could never go from one to the other looking for a different (or better) answer. Period. And they never put one another down in front of us. Ever. B and I talked about remembering "us" when we get wrapped up in "them" and how hard that's gonna be (they're gonna be sooooo cute and sooo much work). I get scared about that part sometimes, but I'm never scared about losing him or about us in the bigger sense. That's such an amazing feeling- to really know that, truly, deep down. I'm such a lucky woman to have found B and to have him in my life. I want us to be the same, but I know that's not possible. We'll go through seasons of change- and this is a big one coming. But we'll always have that core understanding of who we are together and why we wouldn't be anywhere else. Honestly, I'm so excited to see how amazing he's gonna be with our kids. Seriously- he's that kind of guy who's a little bit shy, an introvert, on the outside- but I know the other sides to him that not too many other people get to see. And all of it makes this incredible man who is just dying to be a father. It's those other sides that are gonna shine through with his babies. I can't wait! Love.